Grave Procrastination

January. I think it’s too early to tell but it seems that the year 2011 is not on the right track. The very major reason for this is I am somewhat demotivated or should I say, nawawalan na ng gana. Wala na kong gana pumasok sa work, in fact lagi akong late. Naka 5 or 6 times na ata akong late for this month. When I take my seat sa office, it’s like ayoko ng buksan yung pc at mag log in. Every lunch break, which happens to be every 7pm, gustong gusto ko ng umuwi kasi nakikita ko yung fx sa tapat ng building namin na direcho bahay na. Isabay mo pa ang pag iinarte ng baklang closeta kong manager, pati ba naman restdays ko ginagalaw. I understand that when it comes to business needs, employees should adjust. Pero syempre, sana isipin din nila yung sustainability ng employee para sipagin at pumasok, I’m working in a stupid call center, yes.. Call center, known to have repetitive and monotonous tasks. Though I am not taking in calls, iba naman yung line of work ko. But still, it’s the same. I am under this universe na kung san eh hindi stable ang work, unstableness would then be rewarded with high pay. I admit (modesty aside), ako ang isa sa may pinaka mataas na sweldo sa floor. Maybe equal to a bank manager’s pay na nagwowork na for 5 years. Pero and draw back… Walang kulay ang buhay sa work. I can’t see the lime light of my situation.
Speaking of call center, I’ve seen a post regarding HIV. Based sa post nya, I think he’s negative.. And of course for obvious reasons na rin. I won’t describe deeply how the post went pero the disturbing part was when someone placed a comment, I just forget the exact words, pero it conveys that those who works in the call center industry ay dapat katakutan kasi sila yung nagkakalat ng disease. Of course, I easily got offended.. Sana pala hindi ko na lang binasa yung blog kung ganun din pala mababasa ko.. Gusto ko sanang gamitan ng snipping tool at i-screen shot yung comment pero as a sign of respect sa blog owner, kinimkim ko na lang. Those guys needs proper educations and information dissimenation, yung mga super close minded and thinks that the world has only 2 sides.
Going back, pati sa ibang bagay wala na din akong gana.. Like to stay fit, wala na kong gana magexercise kaya eto tumataba na ko. Even going to business class, wala na din akong gana.. I’m skipping my exams kasi hindi na ko pumapasok. Feeling ko na din, wala ng mangyayari sa future ko. Maybe I’m setting high standards to my dreams and goals kaya ganito naiisip ko. Goals like, to have a car and a bachelor’s pad, to become a brand manager or anything similar. Ang nasa isip ko lang, since I’m the only child and hindi naman ako close sa mga relatives ko… Ano na mangyari pag mag isa na lang ako? As early as now I need to create a plan or contingency para sumalo sakin especially now that I have a serious medical condition. This makes my goals more ‘unreachable’.
Siguro there’s a need to change plan, again. Another sacrifice to make so the road will then again be straight and run my life smoothly or am I just analyzing too much? Ayoko naman lalong maging ‘go with the flow’ type of person..
Maybe, the first thing to do is to buy a pet. Mejo out of way pero having a pet may somehow release tension and stress. Hindi naman ako makapag out of town. I shouldn’t have cancelled my credit card para naman may pang book din ako ng ticket. Kung out of town man, yung malapit lang.. Can be accessed by land and means of bus as transportation.
Para na kong timang, my ipod is keep on running 2 songs. Songs to enhance ng self esteem, Firework tska More to Life. Which doesn’t seem to work. Hindi naman kasi ako nagsasabi ng nararamdaman kahit kanino, I don’t express myself to my friends, nor bestfriends since wala naman na sila and even my family. Kaya dito ko na lang binuhos, which others find it too ’emo-ish’. Kaya nga blog eh, weB LOG. Online logs of users.
I hope by tomorrow, magkaron naman ako kahit konting dose of motivation at hindi ako ma late or tamarin pumasok.

Meet Ups over the weekend

Over the weekend, I met 3 guys. Poz sila lahat. I met them sa aking pseudo account sa isang gay site and one over here sa blog. This guy na nakilala ko from blog, he’s a newbie. He was asking for some advice and some questions on what to do after being diagnosed. Atat na sya magpa-baseline test but I don’t have the ample time para masamahan siya, of course I referred him to Ate Ana at mag RITM na lang siya. One week matapos nyang mag pa cd4 (600+ sya) and everything, we decided to meet. Sinabi nya sakin , upon waiting for the the test he had sa RITM eh he saw a common school mate nya before (40+ cd4 nya), small world talaga. So they talked and became friends. Sinabi ko, why not invite him sa meet up natin, sort of 3some date. Saturday, the day we decided to meet up. After the hard rain and hassle commute to our meeting place, nag meet na din kami.. though it was late na. Our call time was 630pm to give way para sa school mate nya since he is working somewhere north. Dahil siguro sa Filipino time, we met at around 9pm na ata. Sakto lang sa movie sched namin na 930pm. (pet peeve ko ang mga late ng sobra sobra, ok lang kung ma late ng 15-20mins, pero kung more than 1 hour na yan ay ibang usapan na. Ayoko talaga ng late.)
I waited roughly around 2 hours, so ikot ikot muna ako at bumili ng slip on shoes, hindi ako kumain since I expected them to be early para sabay sabay na kami kumain.. Eh late nga sila so gutom na gutom na ko. They arrived just on time for the movie so mejo alanganin na ang oras, I bought a pack of peanuts na lang para snack snackan… watched a movie, we saw Gulliver’s Travels which hindi naman masyado nakakatawa.. it’s like pilit pero overall, ok lang naman.. so-so movie. Both of them are nice and madaldal which I like kasi nakakadala ng mood pag maraming gustong sabihin, we ate dinner almost midnight na… sa sobrang kadaldalan namin, lumamig na yung food at sabay sabay na kami nagsasalita.. Ok yung ganung klaseng kasama, isa naman kasi ako sa Introvert na tao so dapat at least may magdala sakin para mag open ng conversation. They were so nice. Gusto ko uli lumabas kasama sila.. I am still looking forward na mangyari uli yun. Nakakainggit sa part ko since both of them are engaged sa field na frustrated ako.. haay. Oks lang naman.
Sunday, I met an expat na almost 5 years na dito. He’s also a poz. It was just a simple meet up, dinner and movie lang. get to know and stuffs.. can’t afford to stay up late kasi both of us have work early. No need to elaborate on him.
Weekend was a cool one, I hope every week ganito..
First time ko ata mag Tagalog or should I say Taglish sa blog..

The Smell of Cadaverine

Cadaverine or pentamethylenediamine, the organic compound responsible for the smell of rotten flesh. Produced by protein hydrolysis during the process of putrefaction or decomposition of animal proteins.
A couple of days back, I had a vivid dream.. An odd one. I dreamed of my death. It was a first-person vision of a dream. I was dead and was about to be buried on the school quadrangle. I was all over the news and the cause of my death was AIDS. I went back to the world crying, tears running through my eyes and pillow. From then forward.. I can no longer sleep.
When I got the chance to go online, I search the meaning/s of dreaming one’s death. Most of them said that It’s a sign that a phase in one’s life is soon gonna end and should start anew. One needs to end something and let it go…
Until now I’m still contemplating what the dream implies. What should I let go? or What will end and needs to begin?

Plain Trigonometry

Of course it should have been PLANE TRIGONOMETRY.

Holiday is over. Tomorrow, Monday, is the start of plain reality. Work for some and school for others. Back to the usual routines of everyday life. I’m already missing the Christmas season.

New Year means new start. I tried changing my blog’s template. Made it more plain and simple. I think, the simpler, the better. Plain White makes an appeal, it feels clean and rejuvenated. I also changed my avatar. That’s me, of course, censored and edited to hide the true identity. I used a photo that was never been uploaded to any other site.

Remember the guy from this post, again?Here

I think he’s getting serious. I’m still confused on what he wants to achieve. He is still consistent meeting me, even sending some lunch for me to munch in the office and even asks me to go out of town. I went straight forward and asked him, “what’s your status of your bf?” Steady lang. He said. So this means that they’re still in a relationship. My instincts got on its toes when the clock was about to strike 12mn of 2011, he said… “can I tell you something?” I asked what, then he said.. “I want it to tell you personally”. Hmmm, my instincts are as accurate as the Western Blot test, maybe he wants to tell me that he likes me or something similar. The question is, What will happen to his current boyfriend? Yes, he’s my crush but it doesn’t mean that I will push through with this since I think this is quite unethical. I feel like I am in the middle of a right triangle. The guy is side A, his boyfriend is side B and I’m the Hypotenuse. This is getting complicated. But I am leaning towards of not pushing this.

2 things:
First, he’s still in a relationship. Second, He doesn’t want guys with “diseases”. I just learned this the other night while we were going home. He said that he doesn’t like or prefer guys with disease specifically, HIV. So, why would engage myself to something that I know in the end I will be rejected? Right? Anyway. I’m leaning towards of not going through this. Like 90% chance of not doing it.

When you think of a guy consistently, does it mean that you have a crush on him?
Makes sense?
I mean, when his face and the activities you did (wholesome) is prominent to your imagination, you always think of him… Does it mean you have a crush on him?
Is so, I think I have one… I can’t really describe him now since I know he reads my blog. I met him recently, again, and talked about things and some of his personal stuffs. He’s a fellow poz by the way. He’s really sensible, he talks a lot though the first minutes of our meet up was like hell in silence. He looks and smells good too. I don’t know why am I feeling this. I just don’t wanna suppress my thoughts. I don’t want to inverse everything like Secant and Cosecant, Tangent and Cotangent, Sine and Cosine.

I’m still looking forward to meet him.