The Goals

Not talking about the latest trends on football or soccer but the I’m talking about life’s goals.

When I had my interview with my new work, they asked me – What are your short, mid and long term goals. Thank god I was blessed with quick thinking that moment and answered it in a sweeping manner. the night after I reviewed the questions thrown at me and went back to that specific one.
Did I answered the question correctly? Is that really what I want?
Well my answers were:
Short – to be in a stable and rewarding company.
Mid – to study post -graduate studies (which I’m still deciding what to pursue) if time and resources permit.

Long – to manage and develop people (be a manager I suppose)

Assessing my answers, I think those are aligned with my goals and aspirations. Honestly, I have high expectations of the future and as early as now I’m getting ready for it. Am not getting any younger anyway. I am the only child of the family, and I always foresee what will happen if I was left alone to live the world. I don’t have any siblings to ask help from and I wouldn’t expect help even from my closest friends.

So I am now planning to secure myself now so I can live peacefully in the future, hopefully I live longer.
I know that I have to live by myself as always told by my mom. Which Is true enough.
Short-term goal is somehow reached, I’m just unsure if I can settle on this new workplace but as far i as the organization is concerned, it’s a pretty stable firm. Planning to step to the mid-term goal next year or so. Just taking it one step at a time. Aiming High and Shooting Low.

On being independent

Life to date, I always wanted to be an independent person. That is, having my own place to live and doing my own personal ways to live everyday life.

Since I was a kid, I was unconsciously trained by my mom to be independent. Everyday I was left alone in the house, do my own stuff like lunch preparation and household chores. Imagine, me at a young age already does these things. No nanny or maid to rely on, well they didn’t stay too long but over all I was the one being the sole household mate of my childhood.

Now that I am working, I always wanted to be on a seperate way with my folks, but I don’t have the change of doing so since I can’t pound enough reason to my mom why the sudden thing.
Several factors affect this decision. First, perhaps I’m the only child so mother’s instinct is of course not to let go and she thinks that I can’t handle myself. Second, my workplace is just near so there’s no reason for me to transfer to another place. Third, I’m not yet done on my short-term goal which is to find a company to offer stability and good compensation.

If I were to ask, My ideal life is like a bachelor. Simple life of living alone, being stable and has the moved into a managerial level, has his own vehicle and be in a liberal way of life.
Living independent has many pro’s and con’s.

There’s no one to look after me if ever the time I got sick – especially in my condition. Doing other household chores can be time consuming like laundry and shirt ironing – by the way I don’t know how to properly iron a polo shirt or even fold one, I hate washing the dishes and clothes. I can invite my friends over to celebrate something, I can go anytime of the day especially if some of my friends asked me for a late dinner and movie date somewhere near. The expenses are bad too, so it’s a must that I have more than the average source of income, unless if the company I work for gave me one then it’s a bonus.
So far, I’m working on some short-term, mid-term and long-term goals. Which I wanna talk about on a seperate post.

I just hope that there will be a time that I can be given a chance to be one and prove that I can handle my own.

More P’s

Over the last few months I’ve met a couple of fellow pozzies and they have one common denominator – they’re into poppers and or pnp.
When I first encountered the word poppers, I really don’t know the exact meaning of it, what came into my mind was those toys inserted in the butt and make the pop?
I tried it once and it was in a very unlikely situation. I mentioned it in another post when I met Mr. False Teenage Drea,. So poppers is something similar to an acetone or any volatile liquid substance. Well, it didn’t worked on me though. What was told is it can be used to relax the sphincter of the anus so it can be easily penetrated (by the receiver – bottom) and can cause a short sensation of euphoria (perhaps both top and bottom)
Yeah it didn’t work on me though, No feelings of such fore mentioned, it was just like sniffing acetone – which actually feels better than poppers.
Another is PNP, though I haven’t tried this, I’ve met a couple of guys who were into it. Partee and Play that is. What I know is they use Ecstacy for a longer feeling of excitement and euphoria.. simply being high – Partee. Getting an orgy or sex party – Play (just my own understanding).
I met a couple of guys who is hardcore on this. I just don’t know if he still do it, but I’m quite sure he is. The one who’s already delirious and out of his mind. They told me this one is quite expensive – Ecstacy, and what they do is share this one pill since it’s already enough to cause the partee. Some consume more than the prescribesd dosage for a longer effect.
I’m just curious on what it brings but as of now, I don’t wanna try it. Well, for the fact of using drugs. I’m not closing my mind to it the possibility of trying one but I won’t be proactive on it.
So practically, these two are on of the greatest factors of spreading HIV. Pretty obvious since you’re not in the state of complete consciousness and decision-making is altered and some are neglected.
Oh well, that’s what they want. If you wanna do it, suffer the consequences – simple as that.

Just for a moment

Last Saturday, I went to San Juan to shop for something that serves as a self reward and recognition program. I decided to drop by to another nearby mall to have a delightful dinner.. I’m just alone. Afterwards, somebody approached me and to my surprise, a long time friend of mine. Actually, were FB’s before. You know what FB is. 

We were having this no-strings-attached-intimate sexual relationship, roughly 5 years ago, that last for several months. This was a very rare instance on my part. Perhaps, we were both into each other. He likes me very much, and so do I. I wont go into detail of how he looks like but cutting short, he’s one heck of an ideal guy for me. He started out telling me if we can step up the ladder and have a relationship. This never came into my mind since I know for the fact that we were just FB’s and if ever we go one notch higher, it will surely wont work well… Since we started out as FB’s. That’s how I value the onset of a relationship, I always tend to evaluate what we are during the start and connote that to the extent of the succeeding relationship, if there are any. 

Our line of communication was cut, I can’t remember why. But I know he relocated to another city and we changed our numbers, which was our only means of talking. Four years have passed, we unexpectedly bumped into each other again but in a not so good situation, I was with my friends and he was with his. We had the chance to exchange numbers again and made chit chat and catch up over the phone. 

And that Saturday was really Endorphin inducing, that instant and unexpected meet up turned date we had was really surreal. I never felt it for the longest time. How I wish this can go further and further.

He still looks good, He still likes me. He still have the urge to continue what was left. I wanted it, I think this time I am ready… but, I’m now sero-converted. Another instance of regret and shame. 

Heart-breaking. Depressing.

About to Quit

I having this bouts of quitting photography.

My photography venture started out with a mere a camera phone, took pictures of myself as a form of vanity… My office mate then introduced her digital camera which I very like because of its picture quality as opposed to my phone. I tried saving up and got myself one and really enjoyed taking lots of pictures, not just for vanity but also for aesthetic purposes. This was the onset of my traveling ventures within the country.

Took pictures of the best spots within Philippines. Several years after I decided to try Portrait photography.

Portraiture seems prosperous for me, was able to shoot some glamorous models. From a sexy girl from FHM to a prestigious bikini model search.

There was a sudden decline of activities. Been busy with work and grave side effects of arvs. My dslr is now getting rotten inside its case.

I’m so envious of others who always update their online portfolios.

My heart now goes with portraiture. I even tried applying as professional photographer like more than 5x now and still got no call… Bottomline, my portfolio is not good enough to compete with others.

Ii don’t have the chance to hone my skills, I don’t have my studio and place. There were chances I have more than the expected xdeal invites but I don’t have the right indoor location. I have an indoor location but no models to have an xdeal shoot with.

My equiptment are no longer at its peak utilization so might, I felt like I was trying to hard at this.. Might as well end it and divert my attention to other things.

It seems that it’s not really planned for this venture. No concrete decisions though but still testing the waters this year end or next year.

Job Anxiety

I talked to Google and found this website about new job anxiety. Pretty much similar to what I am experiencing now. This might be helpful to other who are starting out with their role.

Whatever the reasons, here are a few strategies for overcoming anxiety related to your job:

1.If you had to accept a reduced salary or forego some other benefit that you once had, or if you took a role that is not quite aligned with your ultimate career aspirations, consider the upside of the situation. The employment will help you get back in the game, meet new people, expand your network, and possibly develop a new skill that you did not have before. Identify things you can do to improve your situation over the medium and long-term.

2.Be sure to take care of yourself. Eating 3 donuts and 2 gigantic cups of coffee before you go to work will not make the anxiety you feel about your job any easier. Consider taking a short walk during your lunch hour if feasible; look into incorporating other stress reduction strategies into your daily activities.

3.Refute your negative thoughts. Most of the time our imagination gets the best of us. Start off on a positive course. The position might live up to or possibly exceed what you expected.

4.Create a professional brand for yourself and then “act as if.” Decide how you want to be perceived by others. Positive, proactive, and committed are some things that come to mind. Your self confidence will grow as you start and get into a schedule; you don’t know where your new path will take you. Consider it something of an adventure. Things sometimes happen when you least expect it.

New Environment

Year 2012 is new to me, I transferred to a new office with a totally new management and environment. 

The new work load seem to be lighter than before, but of course it’s not that financially rewarding. The reason why I decided to go onto this is purely stepping stone. I wanna get out of the Business Process Outsourcing industry and be inclined with the corporate world. I got a chance to be with one so I grabbed it.

Schedule is far more better where I used to, now I get the change to go home by afternoon and do some stuff.

The only thing that I am anxious about is when the time comes that I need to go to RITM for my medicines. I have a normal office schedule, and so are they. Obviously there’s this schedule conflict which I have to work on.

Time runs very slowly at this time of the day, the clock is very slow after the lunch when it is 1pm-4pm. I’m always on the agony of waiting and making myself busy.
Now I get to dress up like an office boy. Sleeved shirt, leather shoes and chinos. At least there’s a sense of fulfillment of being a yuppy. LOL

I have this gut feeling that I won’t last long with this company, I might give myself a year to a maximum of year and a half. I feel unease and I’m not that excited to go to work. Perhaps I’m still adjusting with the new environment since I came from a very dynamic industry.

Assesing myself to date, I need to create something to look forward to so I can excite myself to go to work. My observation tells me that I might not grow with the company. But it seems that I am having a hard time doing so.

Staying Indoors

Gonna update you with the recent things I got.
Last holiday, I finally bought my personal Christmas gift. A ps3 console and an HDTV.  I ‘ve been bumming a lot just playing my new toy.
Since then, I opted to stay during the weekend and play games especially co-op games and meet different players around the world.
Bluray games are quite expensive, depending on the game title, some may be as expensive as a new mobile phone. So I only have like 4 or 5 games to exhaust on.
The good thing on this, whenever I feel stressed, frustrated or disappointed, I play games and enjoy those bloody and gory scenes. I tend to be violent because of this. It’s a stress reliever for me and let my angst shoot away.
I’ve been missing a lot of the outside world. No movies, no dates and everything. Just me and my toy.
Well, this is one reason why I haven’t posted on my blog or even update my iPod with new songs. I feel like a loser now. LOL
Bringing the kid in me is fun, I always wanted to do this. I am an only child so basically I don’t have someone to play with. Perhaps this is the reason why I am inclined to this.