Here’s my simple tribute to World AIDS Day 2012. I don’t know how to commemorate this event so I created a photo.
Sharing the right information is best advocacy. By means of this simple photo, I pass the hope and light.
Visited Research Institute for Tropical Medicine last Friday for medicine refill and CD4 testing. Been a long time since I last went here. I came in very early at 6:45 am for CD4 testing. They recently changed the cut-off time for blood extraction to 7am-8am only. At this early, I’m already on the 9th spot from the line. The process changed and improved a bit from the previous topsy turvy scene. Their process is more effective but less efficient. It took me roughly 8 hours waiting in vain. CD4 results are released within the day, in most cases 11am, after lunch otherwise. Since I am about to refill, they told me to wait for the doctor since she will be the one providing the prescription. You will encounter a very long and pain-on-the-ass wait. I’m gonna to another post about the crucial wait-for-results experience.
So far, I’m thankful for the result. In time for Thanksgiving day.
From 406 units of CD4, it went up to 710 units.
This, perhaps, is one of the reason to be happy. Somehow, still thankful.
And oh by the way, I’m trying to resurface again. Struggling, but trying.
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I mostly connect my feelings and abstract thoughts to the songs I hear. That awesome moment when a song clearly expresses how and what you feel. I can easily connect to it and listen the whole day long. I am really into pop and its culture, so most of the songs I listen to are on the mainstream.
I can’t stop myself listening to Katy Perry’s Wide Awake.
“I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I’m wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong “
“I’m wide awake And now it’s clear to me That everything you see Ain’t always what it seems”
“I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts”
“Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight I’m Falling from cloud 9″
“Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I’m not blind anymore “
I have talked to Google and asked: How to see the bright side of life? Seriously.
I found this site for personal development asking questions about the bright side of life. There are 11 of them and I’m gonna answer it one by one.
1. Are you in good health?
If you are healthy, be grateful you are this way. Millions of people would give anything to be in your shoes, but they can’t because they are ill of some sort of disease. Think of those millions next time you feel there’s no bright side of things in your life.
So-so. I am in good health, that is, no opportunistic infection or whatever. But generally, not. I have an irreversible condition.
2. Have a family?
If you have a family, then know that there are over 143 million orphans in the world! So, you could say that you are luckier and have more to be thankful for than over 143.000.000 people!
I only have my mom left. I am the only kid of the home. I don’t have a close-family relationship with 2nd degree relatives.
3. Do you have any friends?
If you have at least one friend to talk to then you are lucky. Believe it or not, some people just don’t have any friends at all. If you have more than one friend you are really doing great!
This is kinda difficult to answer. It may sound to be a loser.. but I only have a bit. I don’t have the typical cliche friends who go out together and have fun.
4. Do you have a pet?
If you have one it’s great because some people can’t afford to raise a pet or they don’t have enough space to keep one. You should be grateful for your pet! Actually go ahead and give him a big, warm hug right now just for being there for you! And after you do that, give him another hug from me because I’m an animal lover too!
I used to.. from tropical fishes, rabbits and cats. I’m planning to have one though.
5. Do you have someone to call your better half?
If you have someone who cares for you and loves you then you are truly lucky! You should really be grateful for having that! Be grateful that you can love and are loved! Be grateful of all the moment you and him/her spend have spend and will spend together from now one! Cherish every second and live it at it’s full intensity! Many people don’t find someone like that their entire life.
Pretty obvious.. nope. I don’t have any.
6. Do you live in a country with ongoing war?
This is a huge thing to be grateful for! Just look at what is happening right now in Iraq and just \think of how the people that live there must feel. Would you feel good if there was a good chance that today you would die of a hand grenade or a bullet to your head? It’s a little rough but that’s the way life is in Iraq. Tough and unforgiving.
I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz.
I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:
1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.
1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner.
Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.
1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.
We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.
I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)
Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.
I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.
If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv