Latest CD4 count

Visited Research Institute for Tropical Medicine last Friday for medicine refill and CD4 testing. Been a long time since I last went here. I came in very early at 6:45 am for CD4 testing. They recently changed the cut-off time for blood extraction to 7am-8am only. At this early, I’m already on the 9th spot from the line. The process changed and improved a bit from the previous topsy turvy scene. Their process is more effective but less efficient. It took me roughly 8 hours waiting in vain. CD4 results are released within the day, in most cases 11am, after lunch otherwise. Since I am about to refill, they told me to wait for the doctor since she will be the one providing the prescription. You will encounter a very long and pain-on-the-ass wait. I’m gonna to another post about the crucial wait-for-results experience.

So far, I’m thankful for the result. In time for Thanksgiving day. 

From 406 units of CD4, it went up to 710 units.

This, perhaps, is one of the reason to be happy. Somehow, still thankful.

And oh by the way, I’m trying to resurface again. Struggling, but trying.

Follow me on Twitter @tcghiv

Song Connection – Wide Awake

I mostly connect my feelings and abstract thoughts to the songs I hear. That awesome moment when a song clearly expresses how and what you feel. I can easily connect to it and listen the whole day long. I am really into pop and its culture, so most of the songs I listen to are on the mainstream.

I can’t stop myself listening to Katy Perry’s Wide Awake. 

I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I’m wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong “

“I’m wide awake And now it’s clear to me That everything you see Ain’t always what it seems”

“I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn’t dive in Wouldn’t bow down Gravity hurts”

“Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I’m letting go tonight I’m Falling from cloud 9″

“Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I’m not blind anymore “

I’m not really fond of telling what I feel to anybody, seems to be awkward. Song’s my best way to express my inside and my mind. Maybe I’ll be starting to post song lyrics here. I know you wouldn’t read each line of the song.

Where’s the bright side?

I have talked to Google and asked: How to see the bright side of life? Seriously.

I found this site for personal development asking questions about the bright side of life. There are 11 of them and I’m gonna answer it one by one.

1. Are you in good health?

If you are healthy, be grateful you are this way. Millions of people would give anything to be in your shoes, but they can’t because they are ill of some sort of disease. Think of those millions next time you feel there’s no bright side of things in your life.

So-so. I am in good health, that is, no opportunistic infection or whatever. But generally, not. I have an irreversible condition.

2. Have a family? 

If you have a family, then know that there are over 143 million orphans in the world! So, you could say that you are luckier and have more to be thankful for than over 143.000.000 people! 

I only have my mom left. I am the only kid of the home. I don’t have a close-family relationship with 2nd degree relatives.

3. Do you have any friends?

If you have at least one friend to talk to then you are lucky. Believe it or not, some people just don’t have any friends at all. If you have more than one friend you are really doing great!

This is kinda difficult to answer. It may sound to be a loser.. but I only have a bit. I don’t have the typical cliche friends who go out together and have fun.

4. Do you have a pet?

If you have one it’s great because some people can’t afford to raise a pet or they don’t have enough space to keep one. You should be grateful for your pet! Actually go ahead and give him a big, warm hug right now  just for being there for you! And after you do that, give him another hug from me  because I’m an animal lover too! 

I used to.. from tropical fishes, rabbits and cats. I’m planning to have one though.

5. Do you have someone to call your better half?

If you have someone who cares for you and loves you then you are truly lucky! You should really be grateful for having that! Be grateful that you can love and are loved! Be grateful of all the moment you and him/her spend have spend and will spend together from now one! Cherish every second and live it at it’s full intensity! Many people don’t find someone like that their entire life.  

Pretty obvious.. nope. I don’t have any.

6. Do you live in a country with ongoing war?

This is a huge thing to be grateful for! Just look at what is happening right now in Iraq and just \think of how the people that live there must feel. Would you feel good if there was a good chance that today you would die of a hand grenade or a bullet to your head? It’s a little rough but that’s the way life is in Iraq. Tough and unforgiving. 

No, so this is the first among the questions to be thankful of.

7. Are you a slave?

You might think: “What? There are no more slaves! What are you talking about?” Yes, you are right. There are no more slaves. But if you were born in 1800 for example, there’s a good chance you could be a slave right now. Never thought of it this way? Never thought how lucky you are because you live these times of freedom, no matter the color of your skin.

We no longer live in the Medieval era for this.

8. Can you read this line?

Some people can’t because they are blind. They would give an arm and a leg just to see again. If you can read this it means you have something that others only dream about. Use it and be grateful you have it.

9. Can you walk?

Some people are stuck in wheelchairs. If you’re not and you can walk just fine I’m glad for you. Look at your two legs and see them as a gift because they are. Just imagine how would you do without them and you will feel they are a gift, one bigger than you probably imagine.

10. Do you have two hands?

There are people that have to get through with only one hand or even worst. Imagine yourself having to go through life with only one hand or with no hands at all. How would life be for you? I really think that these sort o people, that have difficulties that others haven’t, are really the heroes of our world.

11. Are you capable of thinking?

Unfortunately some people can’t do that. They have all sort of diseases that just don’t allow them this luxury. Someone else has to look out for them and make decisions for them. Be grateful you can think and make your own mind about things. It’s a great thing you can.

The past 3 years of my blog existence, I have received more emails and replies than expected expressing their gratitude of how my blog helped them re-live the life, I think the world has turned its tables and it is I whom needs help. I am having a hard time seeing the brighter side.

Credits to:

Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.

I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv

This Too, Shall Pass





subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger.

not firmly or reliably placed or fastened.

I have been experiencing this for the past months, I don’t know why or how can I explain it, but as the meaning suggested by dictionary.. this is what I am feeling.

Fears, doubts, low self-esteem and uncertain.

I know I am thinking too much, but every moment that I am by myself, these seizes. Even on  my subconscious mind, these haunts me in my dreams.

I’m on the extremes of either happiness and sadness, a bipolarity that is somewhat innate to me. I no longer have the control of my inner self .

Escaping from this reality comes in two terms – one is dream and the other is death. A temporary and permanent solution to escape from these feelings.

I’m trying to keep my mental and emotional equity but controls are loosing. Perhaps these are results of my 2.5 years of taking ARV’s. I really don’t know.

For an observant type like me, this is kind of a challenge. Seeing others happy, contented and knows how to pass each road block is envious. Even seeing stuff on the internet or watching movies/television triggers everything.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. Ready to give up and just jump out of nowhere. Others, who may know me, might see how strong, alert and happy I am, but I gotta say… I’m not. A total parallel universe sits on my mind. Hiding my feelings towards myself and not letting anyone see it. Besides, I don’t have any confidant. No real friends, no bestfriend  and of course.

Funny it may seem but a simple Youtube video triggered my tear glands. Weird.

Sleepless and crying nights, heightened emotions and easily triggered bi-polarities. I’m too tired of seeing the bright side. I no longer walk the path heads up.

I hope that – “this too shall pass