The Chemistry ZeitGUYst III

This should have been 2, I wasn’t able to post one last 2011.

I have to say, 2012 was not my year. Started out failures early January, continued February and so on. Depression was the main killer of the year. Several mishaps happened and I wasn’t mature enough on how to handle them.
This year’s highlights, certain and uncertain.
1. My job anxiety. Early January, I transferred to the business corporate world. I had a hard time adjusting to the environment. It created a massive anxiety on my end and after 6 months of “not being happy”, I decided to be in the IT world. With regard to work, so far so good.

2. A year of isolation. Perhaps the main contributor to my depression is isolating myself from the outside world. Did things like going out on a movie, coffee, playing console games and other stuff (being on routine) alone. 

3. Last year 2011, I was diagnosed with anemia due to ARV’s – Combivir. Hemoglobin count returned to normal.

4. Mid year of 2012, my CD4 dropped tremendously to from 610 to 406. I have no idea how it happened or what’s the cause of it but later on it went back more than expected. Latest CD4 count is 710 units. No viral load tests since it will be done mid 2013, but VL is around 84 units.

5. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way ball was truly a blast. Really enjoyed the night and got the chance to meet an old college crush. Thankful it all happened.

6. Quarter-life crisis. How I assess why a big chunk of my depression is still intact.
Weighing up the instances of 2012, indeed it wasn’t that good. Major depressing events happened and was out of control.

End of the year was an eye opener of who can I trust with and act more maturely. These tested my stimulants and now learned something out of it.

I wish for 2013: peace of mind, more mature being and better decision making choices.

To all The Chemistry Guy blog readers, 2012 has passed – whether good or bad. Chances are are as good as changes. Hope you will have a good new year ahead. 🙂

Song Connection – Just So You Know

JESSE MCCARTNEY – JUST SO YOU KNOW
I shouldn’t love you but I want to I just can’t turn away I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move I can’t look away
I shouldn’t love you but I want to I just can’t turn away I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move I can’t look away
And I don’t know How to be fine when I’m not ‘Cause I don’t know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I won’t sit around I can’t let him win now

Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know

It’s gettin’ hard to be around you There’s so much I can’t say Do you want me to hide the feelings And look the other away

And I don’t know How to be fine when I’m not ‘Cause I don’t know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I won’t sit around I can’t let him win now

Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know

This emptiness is killin’ me And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve waited so long Lookin’ back I realize it was always there Just never spoken

I’m waitin’ here Been waitin’ here

Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I won’t sit around I can’t let him win now

Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to Just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know, just so you know

Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to Just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know, just so you know

A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”

Assertion

Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.

Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.

Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself. 

I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it. 

The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.

I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to – “you won’t see his reactions once you disclosed your status” True enough.

I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to – ASSERTION.

Song Connection – More to Life

“(There’s Gotta Be) More To Life” – Stacie Orrico

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let it go

There’s gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I’m…
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure… there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing

I’m wanting more
I’m always waiting on something other than this 
Why am I feelin’ like there’s something I missed…

Like what Tim Burton said

If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.

                                                                                                                 Tim Burton