Living with HIV has made me realize that sooner or later, life will eventually end. Of course, it is not isolated to PLHIVs but rather to everyone. I have seen many condolences post on this HIV group, seeing someone passed away at his/her early life. This made me think, when’s my time? I’m not really afraid of death, I look forward to it. Why? To end every pain and loneliness. Hanging by a thread if you may call it.
It came into my senses of the things I should be doing, experience the most while kicking. That’s when solo travelling took place. When I was younger, travel is not my thing. I buy more clothes and gadgets. It wasn’t really healthy for the mind and soul. It somehow changed 5 years ago, after getting diagnosed. What sould I do to divert my attention? What needs to be done to eliminate the redundant environment? I searched Google — “solo travel” is at the top list.
I’ve read solo travel blogs for quite sometime, I haven’t tried it ever since because I know it is a daunting task. Then I tried. After gaining confidence, I went first to a nearby town. Feeling scared and anxious, I survived the first night. The next day, I felt enjoyment and excitement. Couple of months later, I escalated it by booking a flight within the country. Having a preparatory setting somehow removed the culture shock wave. Getting in and out of the country is such a pleasure. Don’t get me wrong, I am not rich. I work 5 days a week, save money and plan everything.
It then followed one solo travel to the other. One flight every month. The feeling is addictive, getting novel experiences, talking to new people, posting perfect Instagram photos. It’s a relatively new progress. It is not absolute though. Just like your economical and statisticla graph, the element of euphoria can decline. I am now on my 4th year of doing this and it looks like I’m getting immuned with the feeling I first thrown at. (Immuned — pun intended). A state of loneliness, being alone and isolated has poured over. It is getting awkward. Maybe it is a down draft, but I have noticed the consistency from my previous trips.
The plan now is continue eveything. I have set a short bucketlist on where to go, what to do and what to eat. I will, for now, accept this down draft and test the waters. I’m doing this not just because I want to do it, but I’m in search of something.