Yes, With Reservations

I’m not really a socially active person. I hardly meet other guys through common friends, going to clubs or bars nor even approach one at a coffeeshop. Instead, I rely heavily on social media apps. Grindr, Jack’d and even on athetic Tinder Plus (emphasize on plus subscription). Though I’m not also active when in comes to initiating a conversation. I just wait for someone to message me first. That’s how relentlessly introvert The Chemistry Guy is.

I met this guy on Grindr who lives pretty near our house. Like 3 blocks away. The basic shit of talking on gay apps such as how am I doing, where am I located, what am I up too and stuff like that. It came to a point that he invited me to his house. I didn’t refuse. Why not? He’s near me and like 5 minutes walk away.

We met outside his gate. We went in to his porch, he smoked a stick of cigarette. Introduced each other in an awkward way. At this point, am not really expecting something. I set my mind him not liking me. But as seconds came by, he invited me to his room.

Ok, there must me something. A progress.

And there it goes. We only made out, no penetrative action nor unsafe acts. Just 2 guys deprived from sensual links.

I like you

An explicit word for me. Scary beacause of — why and how?.

You’re sensible and smart. You’re tall. I like your eyes and you have clean feet.

End of the road for me. In all fairness, he looks good, he’s tall as well, mature enough and well established. The only down draft is, he’s drug dependent. He kept telling me stories of how he become a drug user. His depressive side and how he is strugling with it. Seems like he knows me for a very long time telling me personal stories like these.

The day has gone. Another week has passed. He then messaged me again in Grindr, asking if I can drop by again. I did and same as last, made out like hell. He does it pretty intense. Still, no penetrative actions. On the safe side. I know this responsibility I am holding onto.

He asked if we can have dinner, go to the movies and even asked if he can drop by the office to fetch me. I know this is already something. On the third meet up,

Do you see ourselves being together. Like partners? What are we now?

Uh, I don’t know. As far as what we are doing is concerned, we are like friends with benefits? He then again asked, do you like me?

Uh. At the back of my head, I want to definitely say yes. But the way we first met, I know it was an intimate moment so am quite apprehensive that he might reject me if I disclose my status. I don’t want to destroy his professional career and his established plans.. so I answered..

Yes. But with reservations.

Of course not verbatim. But you know what I mean. I already set up a wall. Barricaded myself of the potential rejection that I may partake. Besides, he’s like a mushroom that shrooms once in a while. I always see him online and it’s his first time to be on the online gay dating world. He maybe still curious of what it can offer.

I shrugged and let it go. Perhaps we will be just friends. Please, teach me how to deal with these kinds of meet up.

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Author: The Chemistry Guy

HIV positive est 2010 Introvert, wanderlust, Science guy and tech junkie. email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com

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