How I Like My Coffee

It’s almost a year since I’m working on a graveyard shift. I must say, I no longer want this schedule. I was just forced to take this schedule than no have no work at all. I work for an IT-software company which explains everything. Since the beginning of this work, I’m starting to appreciate the value of coffee. When I was a kid up until recently, I’m no coffee drinker. I do take on some occasion but not as heavy as today. Every working day, I can manage to free up my tummy for 3 cups of coffee. Just don’t give me the strong plain black coffee with no sugar, milk, creamer or whatsoever.

This post is not about me as a coffee drinker (novice, that is) but how I consume them up. The introvert way.

During office days – or should I say nights, I always start my day to perk up. That is, either buy coffee from a nearby shop of just get a plain vendo-coffee, either way works for me. I have a large mug that is good for 2 on a single serving, if i feel the need for more action.. I can instantly use 3 servings, so that’s 6 all in. 

The most exciting part is when I end up on a weekend and having my cup of coffee alone. If no invite from from friends or appointments on weekends, I usually do my “me time” – that is most of the time. After watching a movie or dining out by myself and since I don’t want to disrupt my body “graveyard” body clock, I go to some coffee shops and have a sip before going home. This way, even though at the wee hours of the night, I’m still awake. Sleep is now the far most important thing in this world – after coffee. 

Any variants will do, as long as I get to sit down and watch people while I slowly consume my stuff. Yes, this is how I take my coffee during my “me time – watch people as they pass by. It’s quite an exciting activity for me coz I see a lot of different stories while sipping my hot, smoking and aroma-full drink. As long as I have a cup, a chair to relax to and my iPod, then the day is complete.

Don’t think I’m mean coz that’s what most introverts do. We watch people and create stories behind what we see. We gather up and collect energy from within using what we see or observe. That’s what I do. maybe it’s different from others.

Observing other for my own pleasure is a good experience. It creates an introspective art of well being which makes me realize how should I be thankful of and what should I be having insecurities with.  I do this a lot, maybe twice in a month or so. Some of my friends are so curious on how I manage to be alone. To each his own. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely, it’s just a way  your mind collects energy and caring for one’s own dimension. This is one way of reviving pleasure – through solidarity.

There are several needs for this – either I reward myself for some small achievement, a time-off from a stressful week or contemplate on some depressive moments.

My coffee time is my me-time. If you happen to see someone alone, having a sip, listening to iPod and just watching people pass by. Remember The Chemistry Guy.

*I can do this for hours up until closing time.

A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”


Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.

Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.

Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself. 

I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it. 

The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.

I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to – “you won’t see his reactions once you disclosed your status” True enough.

I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to – ASSERTION.

Constrained Vulnerability

Another flow of Lacrimation.

How I wish I were trapped in my vivid dreams. Away from the harsh nature of reality.
A dream that transport one emotion to another.

How I wish I was a simple living creature. Away from the complexities of human suffering.
A dream that can be controlled every minute.

How I wish I had a shoulder to cry to on. Away from the corner of room, quietly crying.
A dream that eludes time.

How I wish this was never happened. Away from these tears that make my heart ache.
A dream that can born the inexistent.

Once, someone asked what was the happiest day life-to-date. I couldn’t answer.
Someone asked, when was the lowest point. There’s an answer.
I can’t find myself where am I heading. Playing Pokerface is easy.
A realization that no one else can pamper myself but me, Alone.
A realization that no one else can make me happy but myself.
A realization that I need to revolve on my own world.
A realization that no one to help me. Just myself.
Maybe Alone isn’t Lonely. Hopefully.
No but’s and no ah’s.

Friday the 13th is not that good for me.
I know this is another drama, I’m not usually like this.
It’s just that, when you need someone to talk to or to share things with then it’s the time when people are not around, even worse, no one talk to or share with.

Gonna watch a cartoon movie to lessen up this.

Good night.

Twice Blended

Dizziness and headaches are slowly subsiding.. slowly.
Though there are still some signs which I tend not to tolerate it, kaya pa naman.

Anyway, I’m here in Starbucks wasting my 3-hours allowance time doing nothing. See, instead of me lying down in bed, I’m here wasting my time on my laptop.

Nothing much from the past weekend to talk about, just a dine out and a movie date with friends.

Oh, there’s the malanding barista. I was falling in line anticipating if I’ll get a coffee or a cream based frap, he asked for my drink..

One venti, mocha frap, twice blended without whip for XXXXXX!

Shocked, bakit nya alam name ko? hindi naman nakasabit ang i.d ko so for sure hindi nya nakita name ko.. Until now, im still wondering how in the world he did that. I know he’s gay, obvious naman.

I’m still dizzy, puro na lang dizziness.. Im being unproductive coz of this. Wala na ko masyado nagagawa.

Just an update: Ma and I ended it up na. Though nagpaparamdam paren sya. Well, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, I’m free and I can do anything I want. 😀


Takes One to Tango

Starstrukk – 3OH!3 ft Katy Perry

“It doesn’t really matter Who you say you are, Singin’ out the window of your car, Find another girl across the Bar, ‘Cause L-O-V-E is not what this was”

Alone isn’t always lonely … for sometime.

Yesterday was all a crap, pressured and crammed work just to squeeze myself in an occasion and friends making tampo since I’ll leave early for a movie date turned disaster and insensitive cracks which triggered my Lacrimal glands and making my eyes puffed. wow

I decided to pay Ortigas a visit since San Miguel by the Bay is throttled with Aliwan Festival,
I might be another needle in a haystack.

To ease my unlawful tension, I played Tekken and challenged some guys, with all fairness I got 5 consecutive wins.

Hungry and sweaty coz of the play, I went to a nearby burger chain, 3rd to my favorite burger patty goodness after Brother’s Burger and Burger King. Off to Cyberzone to buy my bass pounding thingy., went to a pharmacy and bought some stuffs and medicines.

Last week for Date Night and I wanna try it… hmm, not really funny. Get Smart was way better.

I declined to join my friend who wanted to go and enjoy the night in Malate. To begin with, I’m not really a party guy nor a bar grasshopper, I can enjoy and ride with the guys, I just don’t know the run-abouts of the game.

Unknown events are in stored for me for Sunday and I hope this won’t be like last week’s.

Sigh, it’s been a while.. I’m dating countless guys the past couple of years.
None of them turned out right, either they went to see a hotter guy, they’re just playing off,
they’re too desperate to have one and rushing things out, senseless ones and the insensitive ones
or maybe it’s me who’s being too choosy.

I just know what I want, if you insist “no” then fine.. it’s a no. if you want it, then lets talk about it. Life’s easy…

hope J and I will meet tomorrow..