When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.
Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).
Now, he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.
I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.
One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.
Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?
In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.
The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.
I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.
This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.
I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”
Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.
Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.
Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself.
I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it.
The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.
I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to – “you won’t see his reactions once you disclosed your status” True enough.
I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to – ASSERTION.
Another flow of Lacrimation.
How I wish I were trapped in my vivid dreams. Away from the harsh nature of reality.
A dream that transport one emotion to another.
How I wish I was a simple living creature. Away from the complexities of human suffering.
A dream that can be controlled every minute.
How I wish I had a shoulder to cry to on. Away from the corner of room, quietly crying.
A dream that eludes time.
How I wish this was never happened. Away from these tears that make my heart ache.
A dream that can born the inexistent.
Once, someone asked what was the happiest day life-to-date. I couldn’t answer.
Someone asked, when was the lowest point. There’s an answer.
I can’t find myself where am I heading. Playing Pokerface is easy.
A realization that no one else can pamper myself but me, Alone.
A realization that no one else can make me happy but myself.
A realization that I need to revolve on my own world.
A realization that no one to help me. Just myself.
Maybe Alone isn’t Lonely. Hopefully.
No but’s and no ah’s.
Friday the 13th is not that good for me.
I know this is another drama, I’m not usually like this.
It’s just that, when you need someone to talk to or to share things with then it’s the time when people are not around, even worse, no one talk to or share with.
Gonna watch a cartoon movie to lessen up this.
Dizziness and headaches are slowly subsiding.. slowly.
Though there are still some signs which I tend not to tolerate it, kaya pa naman.
Anyway, I’m here in Starbucks wasting my 3-hours allowance time doing nothing. See, instead of me lying down in bed, I’m here wasting my time on my laptop.
Nothing much from the past weekend to talk about, just a dine out and a movie date with friends.
Oh, there’s the malanding barista. I was falling in line anticipating if I’ll get a coffee or a cream based frap, he asked for my drink..
One venti, mocha frap, twice blended without whip for XXXXXX!
Shocked, bakit nya alam name ko? hindi naman nakasabit ang i.d ko so for sure hindi nya nakita name ko.. Until now, im still wondering how in the world he did that. I know he’s gay, obvious naman.
I’m still dizzy, puro na lang dizziness.. Im being unproductive coz of this. Wala na ko masyado nagagawa.
Just an update: Ma and I ended it up na. Though nagpaparamdam paren sya. Well, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, I’m free and I can do anything I want. 😀