How You Know Your Ex Is “The One That Got Away”

You nailed it Emily Madriga (from ThoughtCatalog.com)

The One That Got Away

Similar Post:

https://thechemistryguy08.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/the-one-that-got-away/

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Bottle Disposal

Went to RITM last Monday for another refill of my ARV’s. I came at around 10am and was surprised on how many patients waiting for their cd4 results. There are quite a few and my turn was at the 61st queue! Just wow.

Good thing I have given spare PHILHEALTH forms so there was no need to fill out and wait in vain. After a few minutes, my number was called and guided to nurse’s station for ARV prescription. One thing I don’t like with this male nurse is how he approached me while conducting this mini interview… I missed around 4 doses of Combivir last month and he was calculating my adherence score. He asked a stricking question of WHY?… I answered sarcastically, I KNOW, BEEN USING IT FOR 3 YEARS.

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Instead of staying longer inside the clinic and prolly contemplating to argue more.. I decided to relax outside and came to see an old friend. Made some catch up and had lunch together.

I have brought a paper bag for my ARVs. More convenient than bringing big bags. Now the problem is how do I dispose these boxes and bottles…? My mom doesn’t know about my status and it ia kinda hard to just leave these unattended.

HIV and Suicidal Tendencies

The word *suicide* has been in the local news lately. From jumping of a metro train rail to poisoning oneself using silver cleaner to jumping of from a school building to the classic hanging oneself using a rope.

I don’t know what reasons they have but what I know for sure that they can no longer take whatever burden they are carrying. Most of these victims of pressure were the young adult bracket, when someone inexperienced came over a situation that’s beyond their capacity to comprehend then inner pressure builds up. If these I situations worsen and got piled up.. there’s no easy way of getting out but to end everything.

You can’t also blame one if they are unable to share what they are going through, it’s the dynamics of personality. Not all were raised the same way and at the same instance.

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I thought this year would be a rebound from last year’s. It’s not. I think it got worse.

From personal achievement failures to family related problems, they went on a single blow. This year went on a strike where I wanted to end it. With the these young souls that were lost, I know their life would be more meaningful than what I have. If only souls and life can be traded, I’d volunteer to do it.

As of the moment, I am ready to meet the scythe but I just don’t know how to do it. Sleep and music keeps me away from these thoughts but it’s not a long term solution.

I wish my brain and mind won’t work to much for me just to think blank.

To those who ended it, I wish your souls be at peace. To those who are waiting and wanted to end it, may our minds be blessed with light and wisdom.

My Promiscuity pt. 3

Disclaimer:
*these things happened or were done on the safest act they and I could possibly do. 

History really repeats itself. As they say – “do it once, shame on you but do it twice, shame on me”

The first instance happened, which I posted a couple of years ago, My Promiscuity pt. 1 indeed happened again. It was just recent as I write, like 3 days ago. Let me share what were the events.

It all started during the wee hours of the night – very late at night at around 3am (it should be morning). I was bored and got no one to talk to so I decided to open my “gay dating mobile app” (if you’re gay, use a smartphone like iPhone or Android phones perhaps you surely know this). After some few minutes, this guy – let’s call him WEIRDO, sent a message asking for my location. Proximity is so close we can get to see each other in less than 15minutes. Ever since I started using this MOBILE APP, I’m seeing him within reach. I really don’t talk to conceited guys which do show on his display photo. Ok, he’s manly endowed and I’m not. I admit, I’m not the most manly like guy you’ll meet but of course I know how to act in accordance.

He sent a couple of his photos and dick pics (I knew by then, he was looking for a hookup). He’s not that cute nor my type but he’s hot. Hot in a way that he’s a gym bud, his chest at biceps are so toned you’ll gonna be looking at it instead of his face. A shrimp maybe.

The insisting game began, he demand for me to go to his place right away coz he’s so horny and wanna fuck like hell. I’m having doubts since it’s already 4am. I’m delaying me replies hoping he would ignore me, but after seeing my photos – he then demanded more for this “early morning-rooster beating hookup”. I still hesitant to since, I’m too lousy to move and go away from my bed. But after a couple of hours… I gave up. Alright fine, wait for me and I’ll go to your place, meet me at your front yard within 10mins.

I went there, we met halfway across the street and man, he truly is hot. Well, not really cute. We went inside the house and sat on the couch. I noticed that there’s this loud stereo upstairs and asked who’s with him, he answered honestly “I’m with my housemates”. It was like, “oh fuck, not again.” 

We started making out on the couch, I’m really into him since he’s hot. Then he asked for us to go upstairs, “ok, I knew it.. another orgy thing” I declined and said I’m not really into group fun. I said let’s just wait for “them” to come down and be on our turn. Several minutes later, THEY went down WEIRDO pulled my hand and went upstairs. We went into the room and totally made out. This is where is acting weird, I don’t know if he’s just making it up but I found it weird.. he was like “you know what I like you, you’re a good kisser, I’m now your boyfriend, I love you” Hmm, ok.. 

Then a few minutes later, the door opened – I knew it was the other 2 guys who went down earlier. Then suddenly I felt someone is kissing my legs and what not.. Oh god, I knew this was gonna happen. I can no longer do anything, I’m on a point of no return. Fuck.

WEIRDO whispers and continuously apologizing for what is happening. I can no longer do anything but to go with the flow. I said to him, “you need to take care of me, I don’t want this and please don’t let him fuck me”. In all fairness, he did and didn’t left my side. Good.

I let the other 2 guys feel that I’m not really into this and they felt it. But this “MR CLEAN” guy, is insistent as well he lurks and gets in the way if there’s a chance and when me and WEIRD are not with each other. Oh freak, I know he has a big dick but common you’re not my type. Seriously dude. A bald mature dirty old man type. Please. He even takes photos of our behind. Oh common, you’re such an indecent pig! 

The assembly was a total casual setting. WEIRDO and I are doing it and the other 2 were like cleaning the room – lights off. It was like a scene on some gay porno, poppers and fuck everywhere. 

The other 2 left the room and WEIRDO and I had the chance to be alone. This is the part where I enjoyed the most. He’s good in bed and he felt that I am too. We were “sexually compatible” and I joined his weirdness. I went to his game like we were like partners doing an intimate moment covered under a no-strings-attached stuff.

I asked who are these guys, he said they are his “room mates”. I asked, why are you renting a their place. He said, “because MR CLEAN is my boss”. That made me freak out. WHO ON EARTH WOULD DO THESE STUFF WITH YOUR OWN BOSS? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU’RE NOT ON YOUR UTMOST MENTAL STATE. MIND YOU, THEY WORK FOR THE COMPANY I’M EYEING OF GETTING INTO. NO!

There’s the sunshine and everything was over. Now the challenge is getting up, preparing myself to leave and see their freaking faces – the other 2 guys. I went down, took a shower and hurriedly prepared and asked WEIRDO to accommodate me outside. Saw the faces, no words from me – like the grumpy cat and went out of the house. 

If not for the other guys, I would really like WEIRDO. He’s hot – body structure wise and somewhat nice. Somewhat. But upon analyzing things, they are into it the longest time. 

*after reading this, I know you would think – “oh, The Chemistry Guy is too gentle, sweet, conservative and traditional.” Hey, I just don’t like orgy stuff, it make mes jealous once there’s another guy touching the guy I do.

A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”

Assertion

Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.

Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.

Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself. 

I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it. 

The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.

I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to – “you won’t see his reactions once you disclosed your status” True enough.

I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to – ASSERTION.

Accolades

I have some friends, whom they don’t know I am a poz, have accolades on persons living with HIV. There was one who told me that HIV is only for those rich kids, I asked why and he said that only rich fellas only afford to buy expensive medicines, ARV I assume, and have treatments on their opportunistic infections. I talked to myself and asked, I’m not rich. Just an average earning boy from down south. Good thing medicines are free, thanks to Global Fund and the government health insurance. I was diagnosed way back 2010 and that was the year where almost everything is free. But now, there fees to be collected. But still, almost 90% of costs are covered.
During the late 80’s and 90’s, after the onset of HIV discovery, it was penned that the disease is for gay men alone as almost all infected are gay men. The gay man’s disease before it was named HIV. There was a time when I was in RITM that I noticed a husband and wife who’s both positive and to take note that the wife is preggy. Another was a mother and daughter who is also both positive. So again, this one is for everyone.
Someone told me that HIV, granting that the infected is male, is for good looking men. That I cannot attest, but I have notice that yeah most of the men living with HIV is indeed good looking. Either a model like one, a hunk  and the boy-next door type one. It’s not purely 100% true. Of course beauty is permanently subjective. But what I know is this is somewhat true. *somewhat*
  
Another guy have told me, looking for a partner is almost impossible. Totally wrong. I have friends who does have a partner of same status, some are on a magnetic relationship – lucky them. And some just really don’t care, I mean they just want to have some fun, still meet for sex, do pnp’s and propose orgys. I just hope they’re doing it safely. I don’t have a partner, but of course I wanted to, I wanna experience it again how does it feel like having someone to share with. Been single for the longest time, 5 or 6 years I think. If chances permit, I would welcome it.