Soliloquizing

I’ve read a quote tweet:

Keep your dramas private and your happiness public

I somewhat dissent this. Yes, I want to make my happiness public, but keeping one’s drama private? I understand the fact that everybody doesn’t wanna see drama shit, when a person is in the state of drama, maybe we also need to understand he needs help. He’s waiting for someone to reach out, not expecting to clear up his mind but to calm, pacify and assure ever thing is gonna be ok.

Making dramas public is one way of telling the people that “hey I have a problem, can someone help?” but of course, there’s what we call limitation. Excessive drama can really be annoying and infiltrate other’s mind, making them stressed and intolerant. These cases are maybe a form of “attention-seeking” individuals. This is when our minds should work, classifying dramas as either attention-seekers or the legit ones. One thing’s for sure, this is the only way where they want to vent out.

Monologist
Monologist (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I vent out my dramas through blogging, I’m not really the person who approaches others and talk about what ever shit I’m feeling. After seeing my archives, 3 years of blogging, 3 years of venting out. I think I’m going dramatic.

As they say, happiness relies within. But the problem is when I cannot see the bright side. I have to admit, am now in the state of depression and it’s getting worse day after day. I am no longer feeling, if not good, there’s better than this. All exertion leads me to just being hurt. I’m almost like you, looking for happiness.

I don’t wanna keep this long. As a final note: whenever you see someone venting his drama, it’s the best time to be open minded. Test your maturity and always give the benefit of the doubt. Reach out. There are times when people fall.

The Complications of a Third Wheel

He’s into me, I’m into him, he has a boyfriend and we are good friends. That’s how complicated being a third wheel is.

I don’t know but it seems that recently, I am a magnet to couples. From hookups to plain get along, the feeling sucks big time. In general, I feel like squeezing myself in the situation. Trying to be one with what I cannot, and that is simply being out of place.

Who wants to feel that way? The most awkward situation. Not really focusing this to the third wheel hookups – threesome as you say it. As much as possible, I stay away from those. It’s not my thing. Not even orgy. Year to date, I had like 4 or 5 couple hook up invitations. One of which was a dead trap.

Others may not feel the pain or misery of being the third act, I don’t know why – and I don’t wanna really know, but when the situation sinks in, you already felt there is something wrong and you can’t get out of it, you just have to bear it. Wait until it runs out.

tumblr_l93ebiYAPW1qblz23o1_500_largeThere was one instance, a friend of mine asked me to tour him and his “friend” in the city, just to know in the end they are partners, really caught me up in the middle. I was in the point if no return. Halfway through the day, I felt miserable and anxious and then depressed. We were at a bar, dancing and having some drinks, my friend’s bf turns away… we play. Stolen kisses and hugs. They got drunk, things got worse. It ended with a slap of desperation in my face. It was bearble during the day, but I gave up and cried while going home. This friend still tries to communicate with me and am just creating my own ghost if I try entertaining him.

Am moving on. Couple of weeks have gone, the feeling of desperation and misery are still there. Slowly catching up with time.

I have 2 main sets of friends, 6 each so I’m the seventh, and these bastards are couples. So aggrevating the situation, they are 3 pairs of couples and I’m the seventh wheel – and that’s times 2! Oh for christ sake. 6 times the slap on my face.

Seriously, this is not good for me. It is making my current depression 10 fold greater. I’m vulnerable these days. My emotions are eating myself out and I can’t control it. Gone are the days of my smart ass moves, I am no longer resilient.

When I ask you how you felt being the third wheel, maybe it is the same as what I am feeling but make it super saiyan. Level 99.

HIV and ARV adherence

Thia is my 3rd year of being HIV positive. I got my first ARV – lamivudine, zidovudine and nevirapine, I got excited coz I know these are life savers. I had the chance to switch to Efavirenz as opposed to Nevirapine due to side effects. It took me more than a year to cope with EFV’s neuro-psychological effects. As of the moment, I can pretty say I can manage whatever EFV is to throw. I can even do my travels while being ‘high’ with Efavirenz.

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The first 2 years of my medicine intake, 100% adherence rate. Thankful as my CD4 level went up the hill to its current 710 mark. But this 3rd year is quite different, I no longer excited to take my medicines, alarms and notifications are slowly degrading my on time performance. There was even a month where I missed 3-4 doses. Hype is no longer with me.

I feel weak, depressed and ‘purpose-less’.

HIV and Suicidal Tendencies

The word *suicide* has been in the local news lately. From jumping of a metro train rail to poisoning oneself using silver cleaner to jumping of from a school building to the classic hanging oneself using a rope.

I don’t know what reasons they have but what I know for sure that they can no longer take whatever burden they are carrying. Most of these victims of pressure were the young adult bracket, when someone inexperienced came over a situation that’s beyond their capacity to comprehend then inner pressure builds up. If these I situations worsen and got piled up.. there’s no easy way of getting out but to end everything.

You can’t also blame one if they are unable to share what they are going through, it’s the dynamics of personality. Not all were raised the same way and at the same instance.

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I thought this year would be a rebound from last year’s. It’s not. I think it got worse.

From personal achievement failures to family related problems, they went on a single blow. This year went on a strike where I wanted to end it. With the these young souls that were lost, I know their life would be more meaningful than what I have. If only souls and life can be traded, I’d volunteer to do it.

As of the moment, I am ready to meet the scythe but I just don’t know how to do it. Sleep and music keeps me away from these thoughts but it’s not a long term solution.

I wish my brain and mind won’t work to much for me just to think blank.

To those who ended it, I wish your souls be at peace. To those who are waiting and wanted to end it, may our minds be blessed with light and wisdom.

Third Year of Being Poz

This marks my third year of being HIV positive. Honestly, I can’t really recall when was the exact date I went to Makati Medical Center and have myself tested, I know it was in between February and March. The 3 years of my conversion was a rollercoaster ride, too steep ups and too free fall when going down. This was the time when you will learn to appreciate who you are and what to perceive of what’s going to happen, being care free is no longer an option. Taking extra care of yourself more than the usual, when I was still considered HIV-negative, should now be your top most priority. 

Novice events took place the last 3 years – meeting new friends and acquaintances, finding someone to be a confidant, being more open to my feelings and a wider range of “activities”.

The first thing came into my mind after being diagnosed was to find someone to talk to and share what happened that afternoon. I went online and found some online forums and communities, which was a bit of help. A couple of weeks have past, I decided to create this blog in hopes of releasing tensions inside and let other reader know how I feel. Through this blog, I have met several people of the same sero-status which turned out to be ok.. though some were not. These people, which some I now call friends were the ones who helped me of somehow forgetting the past. The first year of being diagnosed was exciting because I tend to meet new people almost every week. From the old-school ARG clinic of RITM, to its weekly activities, to check ups with Ate Ana. Seeing new stuff after this were somehow great. I knew I wasn’t the only one.

My second year was not that blessed and turmoil started to pound. It affected both my professional and personal environment. It wasn’t easy for me to sustain myself. I think this year, I started creating a poz-Twitter account. I have some friends you used this and I joined the bandwagon. I have to admit, it was fun and there were lots of chances meeting new people. More than what RITM-ARG has provided. As the chemistry principle of entropy and enthalpy, the more you know.. the greater the chance of uncertainties. Which I proved to be true. It was good at the start but its quality started to decline month after month. It seemed to have contributed a big chunk of what my second year gave to me. I’m not putting blame, just stating what I see. If I happen to check my Twitter timeline, all I see are some types of crap. Not all, but most. Way far from before I started it. No longer that active coz I decided to focus more on blogging and meeting good and trustworthy friends. Just like the old times.

This 3rd year should be my rebound year. Bouncing back from where I left last 2011 and have a clear mindset of what to expect. No more chummy bullshits.

Or perhaps, throw and clean some trash out of my closet. Eradicate all that triggers. I think that’s the best way.

This blog will not be that long as most of the topics were discussed or will be discussed. I’ll keep you posted.

My third year statistics:

CD4 count – 710 units
Viral load – 80++ units, I can’t really recall
All other blood parameters: I think is normal
Mind state: sane
Emotional state: still unstable
Physical state: Good, but not for the fucking choosy
Financial state: I dunno, I’m poor

*by the way, what the hell happened to other poz bloggers? Where are you? Hope everything is fine.

A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”

Assertion

Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.

Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.

Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself. 

I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it. 

The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.

I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to – “you won’t see his reactions once you disclosed your status” True enough.

I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to – ASSERTION.

Like what Tim Burton said

If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.

                                                                                                                 Tim Burton