Days like this I want to drive away to a speed that can rip off whatever my mind holds.
Went to RITM last Monday for another refill of my ARV’s. I came at around 10am and was surprised on how many patients waiting for their cd4 results. There are quite a few and my turn was at the 61st queue! Just wow.
Good thing I have given spare PHILHEALTH forms so there was no need to fill out and wait in vain. After a few minutes, my number was called and guided to nurse’s station for ARV prescription. One thing I don’t like with this male nurse is how he approached me while conducting this mini interview… I missed around 4 doses of Combivir last month and he was calculating my adherence score. He asked a stricking question of WHY?… I answered sarcastically, I KNOW, BEEN USING IT FOR 3 YEARS.
Instead of staying longer inside the clinic and prolly contemplating to argue more.. I decided to relax outside and came to see an old friend. Made some catch up and had lunch together.
I have brought a paper bag for my ARVs. More convenient than bringing big bags. Now the problem is how do I dispose these boxes and bottles…? My mom doesn’t know about my status and it ia kinda hard to just leave these unattended.
Thia is my 3rd year of being HIV positive. I got my first ARV – lamivudine, zidovudine and nevirapine, I got excited coz I know these are life savers. I had the chance to switch to Efavirenz as opposed to Nevirapine due to side effects. It took me more than a year to cope with EFV’s neuro-psychological effects. As of the moment, I can pretty say I can manage whatever EFV is to throw. I can even do my travels while being ‘high’ with Efavirenz.
The first 2 years of my medicine intake, 100% adherence rate. Thankful as my CD4 level went up the hill to its current 710 mark. But this 3rd year is quite different, I no longer excited to take my medicines, alarms and notifications are slowly degrading my on time performance. There was even a month where I missed 3-4 doses. Hype is no longer with me.
I feel weak, depressed and ‘purpose-less’.
The word *suicide* has been in the local news lately. From jumping of a metro train rail to poisoning oneself using silver cleaner to jumping of from a school building to the classic hanging oneself using a rope.
I don’t know what reasons they have but what I know for sure that they can no longer take whatever burden they are carrying. Most of these victims of pressure were the young adult bracket, when someone inexperienced came over a situation that’s beyond their capacity to comprehend then inner pressure builds up. If these I situations worsen and got piled up.. there’s no easy way of getting out but to end everything.
You can’t also blame one if they are unable to share what they are going through, it’s the dynamics of personality. Not all were raised the same way and at the same instance.
I thought this year would be a rebound from last year’s. It’s not. I think it got worse.
From personal achievement failures to family related problems, they went on a single blow. This year went on a strike where I wanted to end it. With the these young souls that were lost, I know their life would be more meaningful than what I have. If only souls and life can be traded, I’d volunteer to do it.
As of the moment, I am ready to meet the scythe but I just don’t know how to do it. Sleep and music keeps me away from these thoughts but it’s not a long term solution.
I wish my brain and mind won’t work to much for me just to think blank.
To those who ended it, I wish your souls be at peace. To those who are waiting and wanted to end it, may our minds be blessed with light and wisdom.