Days Like This

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Days like this I want to drive away to a speed that can rip off whatever my mind holds.

Recurring shit.

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Bottle Disposal

Went to RITM last Monday for another refill of my ARV’s. I came at around 10am and was surprised on how many patients waiting for their cd4 results. There are quite a few and my turn was at the 61st queue! Just wow.

Good thing I have given spare PHILHEALTH forms so there was no need to fill out and wait in vain. After a few minutes, my number was called and guided to nurse’s station for ARV prescription. One thing I don’t like with this male nurse is how he approached me while conducting this mini interview… I missed around 4 doses of Combivir last month and he was calculating my adherence score. He asked a stricking question of WHY?… I answered sarcastically, I KNOW, BEEN USING IT FOR 3 YEARS.

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Instead of staying longer inside the clinic and prolly contemplating to argue more.. I decided to relax outside and came to see an old friend. Made some catch up and had lunch together.

I have brought a paper bag for my ARVs. More convenient than bringing big bags. Now the problem is how do I dispose these boxes and bottles…? My mom doesn’t know about my status and it ia kinda hard to just leave these unattended.

HIV and ARV adherence

Thia is my 3rd year of being HIV positive. I got my first ARV – lamivudine, zidovudine and nevirapine, I got excited coz I know these are life savers. I had the chance to switch to Efavirenz as opposed to Nevirapine due to side effects. It took me more than a year to cope with EFV’s neuro-psychological effects. As of the moment, I can pretty say I can manage whatever EFV is to throw. I can even do my travels while being ‘high’ with Efavirenz.

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The first 2 years of my medicine intake, 100% adherence rate. Thankful as my CD4 level went up the hill to its current 710 mark. But this 3rd year is quite different, I no longer excited to take my medicines, alarms and notifications are slowly degrading my on time performance. There was even a month where I missed 3-4 doses. Hype is no longer with me.

I feel weak, depressed and ‘purpose-less’.

HIV and Suicidal Tendencies

The word *suicide* has been in the local news lately. From jumping of a metro train rail to poisoning oneself using silver cleaner to jumping of from a school building to the classic hanging oneself using a rope.

I don’t know what reasons they have but what I know for sure that they can no longer take whatever burden they are carrying. Most of these victims of pressure were the young adult bracket, when someone inexperienced came over a situation that’s beyond their capacity to comprehend then inner pressure builds up. If these I situations worsen and got piled up.. there’s no easy way of getting out but to end everything.

You can’t also blame one if they are unable to share what they are going through, it’s the dynamics of personality. Not all were raised the same way and at the same instance.

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I thought this year would be a rebound from last year’s. It’s not. I think it got worse.

From personal achievement failures to family related problems, they went on a single blow. This year went on a strike where I wanted to end it. With the these young souls that were lost, I know their life would be more meaningful than what I have. If only souls and life can be traded, I’d volunteer to do it.

As of the moment, I am ready to meet the scythe but I just don’t know how to do it. Sleep and music keeps me away from these thoughts but it’s not a long term solution.

I wish my brain and mind won’t work to much for me just to think blank.

To those who ended it, I wish your souls be at peace. To those who are waiting and wanted to end it, may our minds be blessed with light and wisdom.

I Just Need Not To Talk To Anyone

Talking about introversion, I found this 9gag photo while browsing on work. Yes, I do internet browsing while at work.

This is the description to pound for. No more buts or ifs.

Hobbies or activities that will make sound if a person is Introvert:

Playing video games (check)
Watching movies
Traveling (check)
Playing musical instrument
Or anything that describes an activity that can be done alone.

Photo credit: See watermarks.

How I Like My Coffee

It’s almost a year since I’m working on a graveyard shift. I must say, I no longer want this schedule. I was just forced to take this schedule than no have no work at all. I work for an IT-software company which explains everything. Since the beginning of this work, I’m starting to appreciate the value of coffee. When I was a kid up until recently, I’m no coffee drinker. I do take on some occasion but not as heavy as today. Every working day, I can manage to free up my tummy for 3 cups of coffee. Just don’t give me the strong plain black coffee with no sugar, milk, creamer or whatsoever.

This post is not about me as a coffee drinker (novice, that is) but how I consume them up. The introvert way.


During office days – or should I say nights, I always start my day to perk up. That is, either buy coffee from a nearby shop of just get a plain vendo-coffee, either way works for me. I have a large mug that is good for 2 on a single serving, if i feel the need for more action.. I can instantly use 3 servings, so that’s 6 all in. 

The most exciting part is when I end up on a weekend and having my cup of coffee alone. If no invite from from friends or appointments on weekends, I usually do my “me time” – that is most of the time. After watching a movie or dining out by myself and since I don’t want to disrupt my body “graveyard” body clock, I go to some coffee shops and have a sip before going home. This way, even though at the wee hours of the night, I’m still awake. Sleep is now the far most important thing in this world – after coffee. 

Any variants will do, as long as I get to sit down and watch people while I slowly consume my stuff. Yes, this is how I take my coffee during my “me time – watch people as they pass by. It’s quite an exciting activity for me coz I see a lot of different stories while sipping my hot, smoking and aroma-full drink. As long as I have a cup, a chair to relax to and my iPod, then the day is complete.

Don’t think I’m mean coz that’s what most introverts do. We watch people and create stories behind what we see. We gather up and collect energy from within using what we see or observe. That’s what I do. maybe it’s different from others.

Observing other for my own pleasure is a good experience. It creates an introspective art of well being which makes me realize how should I be thankful of and what should I be having insecurities with.  I do this a lot, maybe twice in a month or so. Some of my friends are so curious on how I manage to be alone. To each his own. Being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely, it’s just a way  your mind collects energy and caring for one’s own dimension. This is one way of reviving pleasure – through solidarity.

There are several needs for this – either I reward myself for some small achievement, a time-off from a stressful week or contemplate on some depressive moments.

My coffee time is my me-time. If you happen to see someone alone, having a sip, listening to iPod and just watching people pass by. Remember The Chemistry Guy.

*I can do this for hours up until closing time.

The Chemistry ZeitGUYst III

This should have been 2, I wasn’t able to post one last 2011.

I have to say, 2012 was not my year. Started out failures early January, continued February and so on. Depression was the main killer of the year. Several mishaps happened and I wasn’t mature enough on how to handle them.
This year’s highlights, certain and uncertain.
1. My job anxiety. Early January, I transferred to the business corporate world. I had a hard time adjusting to the environment. It created a massive anxiety on my end and after 6 months of “not being happy”, I decided to be in the IT world. With regard to work, so far so good.

2. A year of isolation. Perhaps the main contributor to my depression is isolating myself from the outside world. Did things like going out on a movie, coffee, playing console games and other stuff (being on routine) alone. 

3. Last year 2011, I was diagnosed with anemia due to ARV’s – Combivir. Hemoglobin count returned to normal.

4. Mid year of 2012, my CD4 dropped tremendously to from 610 to 406. I have no idea how it happened or what’s the cause of it but later on it went back more than expected. Latest CD4 count is 710 units. No viral load tests since it will be done mid 2013, but VL is around 84 units.

5. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way ball was truly a blast. Really enjoyed the night and got the chance to meet an old college crush. Thankful it all happened.

6. Quarter-life crisis. How I assess why a big chunk of my depression is still intact.
Weighing up the instances of 2012, indeed it wasn’t that good. Major depressing events happened and was out of control.

End of the year was an eye opener of who can I trust with and act more maturely. These tested my stimulants and now learned something out of it.

I wish for 2013: peace of mind, more mature being and better decision making choices.

To all The Chemistry Guy blog readers, 2012 has passed – whether good or bad. Chances are are as good as changes. Hope you will have a good new year ahead. 🙂