A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”

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Anniversary

Time flies so fast. It’s already a year since I was diagnosed. Hindi ko naramdaman and I can’t even remember the date!
I remember the time when I was going back and forth sa Makati Medical Center. Baon ko lang was confidence, my handy dandy ipod and prescription pads. The scar remains, literally. Hindi tuloy ako makapag shorts. Sayang summer pa naman. 
I read sa isang newspaper that PH is granted again by Global Fund another cycle of monetary funds, now I’m confused. So bakit Phil Health na mag cover ng mga expenses and why Azithromycin is no longer free? I have this friend who is under Azithromycin prophylaxis, ang baba kasi ng cd4 count nya, the usual free med sa isang treatment hub is no longer offered free? knowing Azithromycin is an expensive drug.. like P250 ata per tab and you need to take it everyday till your cd4 shoot up. So doing math, 30 days x 250/tab = 7500 estimate. Wow! that is pretty expensive! parang sweldo na for others… Ako nanghihinayang sa friend ko, I feel the burden. The thing is ang laki pa ng bubunuin nya for his cd4. 2-digit cd4 would mean years para tumaas. 
Here’s the link, can’t locate the archive of Philippine Daily Inquirer but this might help.. LINK    
I went to see a movie over the weekend. As usual, I did it alone. Wala naman kasi mainvite., may maiinvite ka nga pero ang garapal naman ng attitude para magpalibre. Nakaka turn off yung ganun. You will feel regret pag hindi bukas sa loob mo man libre. Pero if it comes from within talaga, it will naturally come. Kaya ako na lang.   Nowadays, it feels awkward if you’re alone.. I think hindi na ko sanay. Especially if may makakasalubong kang group of friends or mag-jowa. I’ve seen an article over Google on how to avoid being a loner, one is have something with you that will keep you busy like ipod, psp or similar stuff. Yeah it works din naman.. but not all the times. Minsan kasi nakakasawa na yung paulit ulit na songs and you look stupid dancing in the air if you hear the bass beat or imagining the music video ng song mo. 
Come what may next time. 🙂
Ta!