A risk postulate

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn’t work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship… and the reason is me. I don’t know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to “in a relationship”.. I said “whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf – I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected” and it did.

Now, he’s claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don’t typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he’s like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I’m not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don’t know if he’ll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn’t know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates – assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he’s negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status… he declined and ran away. It’s pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don’t do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the “non-negotiable” factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, “he must be HIV negative”. Ok… PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won’t take a risk.

I’m not really talking about “in general”, there are still some guys who are really open minded – those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I’m just wondering – “WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!”

Advertisements

Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.


I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv

Globe Trotter Teenage Dream

What will you do if someone seems to giving his best foot forward in an exaggerated way?

I’m a detailed type of person so when someone said this and that even when said online, I can remember every detail of it.

Met this guy over online and we were chatting over phone endlessly. Talked about the past and the usual get to know. We decided to meet over the weekend to get along.

Before parting ways, we had some talk over coffee knowing each other more.

As the talk goes a long way, I can now feel some inconsistencies and this instinct that what ever comes out of his mouth is no longer genuine. It was like sensational.

One instance was when he was talking about his ex, they were like chasing each other at different parts of the globe. Like what JLO said on her song – Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza, straight to LA, New York, Vegas to Africa.

Hmmm, I don’t know if I were to believe but what matters most is how surreal you are saying. Of course, let’s give the benefit of the doubt…

After we met and parted ways, we no longer have communication. Maybe he’s superficial too.. I really don’t know.

On dating and beyond

Been into dates the past months – it didn’t work well. Or should I say, I never worked out.
Eye opener:
Regardless if you’re HIV free or acquired it, dating and relationships will still be dependent on you and the other party. 
I thought dating a comrade of the same sero-status will give an assurance that everything will work fine – It’s not.
Scene 1:
Dating someone who’s negative (assuming) is quite a challenge, all is well.. you act normal as if you don’t have any condition, date for a couple of weeks or months, being attached emotionally, you confess your status, he (your date) was in shock, eventually he refused and now… you’re depressed and rejected. 
Scene 2: 
You met a co-sero positive guy, decided to meet, dated for while, he doesn’t like you or I don’t like him and the dating stop. No communication after. Superficiality can come to anyone. 
Scene 3: 
You met a co-sero positive guy, date for a while, it went well, you like each other and voila! happily ever after.
Scene 4:
You met this negative guy (assuming), dated for a while, you like him and he likes you, you confess your sero-status, he chose to be with you (lucky you) and go happily ever after.
Experienced scene 2, two months in a row, and it might go to 3 peat. I’ll make entries for each of them.

1st Crush

Just got into another self-date. It was a movie marathon, just 2 though. Very contrasting ones, one was Paranormal Activity and the other, Petrang Kabayo. It was nice. I was scared and I had some laughs. The moment I’m writing this entry, I’m dining in a nearby fast-food resto on my phone, I really don’t mind me being alone, though there are some whereabouts of ‘aloneliness’. It’s almost Halloween and lots of people are going home to their own provinces, it’s really nice to see and watch people as I dine out. Traffic is heavy too.

I remember when Juan dela Cruz, the blogger, his partner and I were dining. I don’t know if noticed it, while we were talking, I keep on staring at the window hoping to see someone I know.. Pak! There was one…

His name was R.G, my first crush dated way back first year college, around 2003 perhaps. It was a kilig moment when we met. A relative of mine is an engineering subject professor in one of the most famous engineering schools in the country, of course, I’m also a student. Relative was not able to attend to class to conduct the exam, so I assumed the place. It’s alright though since his co-professors know me that much. I conducted the exam and saw R.G. His cute, wearing a cap and it seemed he wasn’t prepared for the exam. Ok, the papers were given, the graduating class took the exam, I was 1st yr then, and tried to stare at him. He seemed to notice it so he stared back till the time runned out and everbody walked home. He was left behind, approached me and asked if we can be friends.. He took my number and off we go. Long exchange of messages revealed that he was a commercial model and seen in some ads. Maybe he’s bluffing, I checked it out and yeah.. He really was. With some billboards and tv ads. His Hugo Boss quenched hands and that so neat look really dragged me.. He graduated, I continued my engineering course and the communication was gone. It was like a gradient, slowly faded out. Well, when I saw him again couple of weeks ago.. He’s still cute. Remembering the old days.

Maybe, JDC is right.. I must stop being choosy.

Ta!

More than a 3rd wheel

I went on an eyeball-date from a guy I met in Planet Romeo, we were exchanging sms for the past 1 week, almost every hour and every minute… how enthusiastic, right?

He then decided to meet on our common free time, Weekend. The time and day came, we were about to meet around dinner time. Prior to that, he asked if we can watch a movie.. why not! We then watched a movie and then kicked our asses to a resto for a dinner.

Lucky13 even saw me and urgently called to let me know that i’m such a snob passing him by.
He made me laugh when he said to continue my dinner date with this fugly guy. Well, I admit it.. I think I was a victim of photo manipulation and deceived with so perfect poses. Not really a big thing, I’m already here and I got nothing to lose, so just stay and be nice … Still.

Minutes after, he asked..

“Is it ok that a friend of mine will join us?”

..I was in the state of shock, I asked myself.. why? Ok, then be it.. Let your friend join us.

Let us call this friend of his as GUY X.

GUY X arrived.. he damn cute. cute based on my subjective mind. Chinito, average height, I think he’s into gym since he has nice biceps and pecs and wears glasses. Jaw dropping indeed.

Using my peripheral vision, I try to stare at him and he’s becoming familiar.. I know this guy. I saw him somewhere. I just don’t know where.. Listening to stories and get-to-know questions revealed the answer, he’s a former colleague. Shocks, Just like what I thought the moment I first saw him, He’s gay. Ok, glaciers of ice were broken.. Natural flow of conversation came up. We were enjoying the dinner and it seems that there’s no more awkwardness..

It was a turn off for my date though. Why the hell he did that? Prior to that, he was so busy texting.. maybe I am not his type. Well, to begin with I don’t like him too. QUITS.

Done with dinner and off to the nearest coffee shop. Settled down and ordered some hot drink to let our tummy calm down, Minutes later… He called in another friend, GUY Y. He was a bit tall, cute and of light aura. He’s nice.

We were on the table making stories and getting to know each other when another friend came by.. GUY Z! fuck this crap… this is getting really awkward. To be brutally honest, I’m one of the most challenged person when it comes to this certain situation. I am not really a socially inclined person. I just sit down, keep quiet and observe.. GUY Z is quite overwhelming which made the awkwardness really severe. what I can say is that they were nice, they did not let me be out of place.. but still, I was really caught off guarded. Well another lesson learned. Not really though, it isn’t my first time.. Hindi na ko natuto.

We parted ways and for sure, they’re talking about me. Who cares.

Ta!

Right or Wrong time

Sunday. I hate it. You know for a fact that when you wake up the next day.. Monday.
It’s time for work, 2 days is not really enough for me. Maybe I’m getting to used with what I am doing. It’s too monotonous. I need to add color to it.

I met someone over the cyberspace. Well, we didn’t meet yet. The odd thing about it is, we’re officemates. He calls every now and then. I haven’t seen his physical appearance but based on the photos he sent me, i think he looks cute and decent. Braces guy, small earring. He i go again, attaching myself to someone and when the time comes, it’s me who losses. We’re still on the talking+getting to know phase.

The catch here is, ok fine. Maybe we’re on to each other but what will happen if I confess to him my sero-status. What will he do if he found out that i’m HIV positive. Geesh. 2 things might happen, or will surely happen.

1. You and Me against the world (the dreaded Magnetic relationship) again… but this time, I made sure that I’m not an option.

or

2. Scram! go away..

Number 2 is the risk, number 1 is the happy side of it.

Just like what i said, I’ll hold on to my philosophy.

I’d rather cry every night than to be on an irrational relationship.
I’ll never be a desperate retard.