Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.

I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv


Meet Ups over the weekend

Over the weekend, I met 3 guys. Poz sila lahat. I met them sa aking pseudo account sa isang gay site and one over here sa blog. This guy na nakilala ko from blog, he’s a newbie. He was asking for some advice and some questions on what to do after being diagnosed. Atat na sya magpa-baseline test but I don’t have the ample time para masamahan siya, of course I referred him to Ate Ana at mag RITM na lang siya. One week matapos nyang mag pa cd4 (600+ sya) and everything, we decided to meet. Sinabi nya sakin , upon waiting for the the test he had sa RITM eh he saw a common school mate nya before (40+ cd4 nya), small world talaga. So they talked and became friends. Sinabi ko, why not invite him sa meet up natin, sort of 3some date. Saturday, the day we decided to meet up. After the hard rain and hassle commute to our meeting place, nag meet na din kami.. though it was late na. Our call time was 630pm to give way para sa school mate nya since he is working somewhere north. Dahil siguro sa Filipino time, we met at around 9pm na ata. Sakto lang sa movie sched namin na 930pm. (pet peeve ko ang mga late ng sobra sobra, ok lang kung ma late ng 15-20mins, pero kung more than 1 hour na yan ay ibang usapan na. Ayoko talaga ng late.)
I waited roughly around 2 hours, so ikot ikot muna ako at bumili ng slip on shoes, hindi ako kumain since I expected them to be early para sabay sabay na kami kumain.. Eh late nga sila so gutom na gutom na ko. They arrived just on time for the movie so mejo alanganin na ang oras, I bought a pack of peanuts na lang para snack snackan… watched a movie, we saw Gulliver’s Travels which hindi naman masyado nakakatawa.. it’s like pilit pero overall, ok lang naman.. so-so movie. Both of them are nice and madaldal which I like kasi nakakadala ng mood pag maraming gustong sabihin, we ate dinner almost midnight na… sa sobrang kadaldalan namin, lumamig na yung food at sabay sabay na kami nagsasalita.. Ok yung ganung klaseng kasama, isa naman kasi ako sa Introvert na tao so dapat at least may magdala sakin para mag open ng conversation. They were so nice. Gusto ko uli lumabas kasama sila.. I am still looking forward na mangyari uli yun. Nakakainggit sa part ko since both of them are engaged sa field na frustrated ako.. haay. Oks lang naman.
Sunday, I met an expat na almost 5 years na dito. He’s also a poz. It was just a simple meet up, dinner and movie lang. get to know and stuffs.. can’t afford to stay up late kasi both of us have work early. No need to elaborate on him.
Weekend was a cool one, I hope every week ganito..
First time ko ata mag Tagalog or should I say Taglish sa blog..

Been a long time

To keep you posted, these were some of the events while I was out.

1. Went to Boracay, a delightful sight seeing of the hunks and gals. Koreans and Europeans.
Met some new friends. It was indeed great and fun. Nice waters and fine white sands. Too many foreigners, great bodies and food. An ultimate beach bumming experience. Might go for 2nd time there.

2. Went to RITM for a quick refill of my medications. Good for 3months. The staffs were asking How am I going with Ma.

I said. “HUH?! It was long ago since we break up… Sila na ni D!”

Them: Shocked. Hekhekhek. Expectedly!

Ma and D’s relationship is giving me goosebumps! puhhlease..

I thought September was my 2nd cd4 count, but no! Next will be on January. It will count the moment you start taking the ARV’s. I started July, so + 6months = January.
Hmmm, I hope it will jump from 282 to 500+.

3. Talking about ARV. I’m quite doing good with Efavirenz. Though a stint of headaches and dizziness, it’s still manageable.

4. Ate Ana asked for permission if she can give my number to a newbie from Makati Medical Center. Of course, without hesitation, I said yes. But until now, no one’s texting me.

5. Speaking of text. Literally, no one’s texting me. It makes me sad. The old group messages like Good morning or Good afternoon and even Sweet evening are ringing my phone. It’s quite annoying coz you know it was “sent to many” not even personalized.
6. Sadly, my ex, the more than a year relationship guy, the only guy I consider my true relationship has a new bf. Tsss. and he even hides it from me! it hurts but, there’s no way but forward.

“don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back” – Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream

Leche! bitter kung bitter! he just have to make sure that his “new” guy is way better than I did. yes, I DID. He must be taller than me, got more nice eyes – like a blue-eyed one! better built and better skin tone! hmp!

7. I’m planning to date myself this coming weekend. I want to watch Resident Evil – Afterlife.
Synonymous to what I have now, I’m technically dead, the moment HIV entered my body. Dead!
Just surviving my everyday life and trying to be more productive and be more nice. Well on the brighter side, It seems that I’m longing for a company this weekend. hmmm.. come what may.

8. Vivid dreams. Again. Not really what you call “vivid” coz I can’t even remember the details of it. But, it’s really fun!

9. I can now see the results of my body toning. Even my friends noticed it. Hmmm..
It is when the time I was already infected with HIV when flirting from other guys arise! such a wrong timing.

10. Still, I’m not a desperate retard. And I will never be. 😀

11. Piling up love songs on my iPod, WTH?! I know it’s cheesy. but hey, don’t be cheeky! I just want to drive my emotions out.

12. Planning of intensifying my photography hobby. anyone care to be a model?

Any comments, reactions or violent reactions?
Just give me a holler. 🙂