Third Year of Being Poz

This marks my third year of being HIV positive. Honestly, I can’t really recall when was the exact date I went to Makati Medical Center and have myself tested, I know it was in between February and March. The 3 years of my conversion was a rollercoaster ride, too steep ups and too free fall when going down. This was the time when you will learn to appreciate who you are and what to perceive of what’s going to happen, being care free is no longer an option. Taking extra care of yourself more than the usual, when I was still considered HIV-negative, should now be your top most priority. 

Novice events took place the last 3 years – meeting new friends and acquaintances, finding someone to be a confidant, being more open to my feelings and a wider range of “activities”.

The first thing came into my mind after being diagnosed was to find someone to talk to and share what happened that afternoon. I went online and found some online forums and communities, which was a bit of help. A couple of weeks have past, I decided to create this blog in hopes of releasing tensions inside and let other reader know how I feel. Through this blog, I have met several people of the same sero-status which turned out to be ok.. though some were not. These people, which some I now call friends were the ones who helped me of somehow forgetting the past. The first year of being diagnosed was exciting because I tend to meet new people almost every week. From the old-school ARG clinic of RITM, to its weekly activities, to check ups with Ate Ana. Seeing new stuff after this were somehow great. I knew I wasn’t the only one.

My second year was not that blessed and turmoil started to pound. It affected both my professional and personal environment. It wasn’t easy for me to sustain myself. I think this year, I started creating a poz-Twitter account. I have some friends you used this and I joined the bandwagon. I have to admit, it was fun and there were lots of chances meeting new people. More than what RITM-ARG has provided. As the chemistry principle of entropy and enthalpy, the more you know.. the greater the chance of uncertainties. Which I proved to be true. It was good at the start but its quality started to decline month after month. It seemed to have contributed a big chunk of what my second year gave to me. I’m not putting blame, just stating what I see. If I happen to check my Twitter timeline, all I see are some types of crap. Not all, but most. Way far from before I started it. No longer that active coz I decided to focus more on blogging and meeting good and trustworthy friends. Just like the old times.

This 3rd year should be my rebound year. Bouncing back from where I left last 2011 and have a clear mindset of what to expect. No more chummy bullshits.

Or perhaps, throw and clean some trash out of my closet. Eradicate all that triggers. I think that’s the best way.

This blog will not be that long as most of the topics were discussed or will be discussed. I’ll keep you posted.

My third year statistics:

CD4 count – 710 units
Viral load – 80++ units, I can’t really recall
All other blood parameters: I think is normal
Mind state: sane
Emotional state: still unstable
Physical state: Good, but not for the fucking choosy
Financial state: I dunno, I’m poor

*by the way, what the hell happened to other poz bloggers? Where are you? Hope everything is fine.

Quarter-life Crisis and Insecurity

I’m 26 and I can say I’m running on this quarter life crisis.

Let’s try to define quarter life crisis:

As per Wikipedia,

The quarter-life crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.

As of the time being, I don’t know where I’m leading to. Feels that I lack identity or something that can be associated with me.

Still contemplating of why at this point of my life, I haven’t reached something. If you were to ask me what’s my greatest achievement to date… I can’t think of any.

The least that I can relate to was I managed to finish college while working. Yeah, I was a working student way back. Struggled between the schedule of work, school, sleep and social being.

Another is, I’m working for one of the known software companies. Prolly, you have use one of its products. But not really, it’s too early to tell and I can’t write something on a hard stone since my mind is still at unease. Still at the “associate” level. That is.

The reason why I’m feeling all these is maybe because I’m putting too much pressure to myself. Pressure that is caused by being surrounded with successful people at this early stage of life.

I browsed my Facebook friends the other week and checked their status, profiles and information. Nearly all of them, if not, most of them are on their “peak” careers.

Perhaps this is an envious approach from my perspective and I admit it. I know it’s too early for this melodrama of some shit but it’s just how the way I feel. Of course, I can’t keep it… hence this blog post.

There’s a strong emergence that I lack identity or any association that can be related to myself.

If you hear the name “the chemistry guy”… not much importance or something that will stick to your mind.

I’m starting to get tired of being an observant kind of guy, it keeps me staring and thinking for something that somebody has which I don’t have.. I’m lacking of a thing that I can be proud of.

These two – quarter life crisis and insecurity are a perfect combination that adds up to the depression that is currently building up on my end.

A solution I’m trying to find is, how to battle these out, maybe just go with flow? or let it pass – “this too shall pass”? or try to compete with those who already have established their own?

It may sound that this post reflects me as something or somewhat… I don’t care, I assume this is better than me keeping what I really feel.

As of now, I’m just tired of planning and contemplating. I want a life where I can’t feel anything nor think of anything.

This issue has been with me for the past months, maybe early 2012. I just pray that sooner or later this will fade away.

Still trying to see the bright side.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv