Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.

I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv


Dead Air

Seems a dead air season for me eh.
I just read a blog about this poz guy disclosing his sero-status to his best friend, it was a small and short entry and it really touched my emotional stacks. It really feels good when there’s always someone to watch your back.
I used to have 2 back then when my status wasn’t yet disclosed. Skipping the cheesy parts, everything changed when I got this condition. Now, pretty much I can say… I don’t have a best friend (anymore).
It really kills you when you don’t have someone to share the world right? No one to talk to, no one to share triumphs and falls. 
Today is Sunday. Local time. Sunday is known to be the slowest day of the week. My phone’s not ringing, got no new mails, no IM’s and no everything. No one’s trying to ask how am I doing. It doesn’t feel good. 
Yesterday I saw my ex again and it rubbed my mood swing more. 
Am no longer used to this. so far, my best friends are just reach away, laptop + internet + itunes + ipod. I have a pet cat, but it’s doing no good. She always sleeps and I can’t even find her. I’m also OC contacting Toxoplasmosis or Crypto diseases so I don’t play with her that much.
Depression has hit me. Better munch on my favorite chocolate malt balls and see the limelight of what’s happening with me right now.

Constrained Vulnerability

Another flow of Lacrimation.

How I wish I were trapped in my vivid dreams. Away from the harsh nature of reality.
A dream that transport one emotion to another.

How I wish I was a simple living creature. Away from the complexities of human suffering.
A dream that can be controlled every minute.

How I wish I had a shoulder to cry to on. Away from the corner of room, quietly crying.
A dream that eludes time.

How I wish this was never happened. Away from these tears that make my heart ache.
A dream that can born the inexistent.

Once, someone asked what was the happiest day life-to-date. I couldn’t answer.
Someone asked, when was the lowest point. There’s an answer.
I can’t find myself where am I heading. Playing Pokerface is easy.
A realization that no one else can pamper myself but me, Alone.
A realization that no one else can make me happy but myself.
A realization that I need to revolve on my own world.
A realization that no one to help me. Just myself.
Maybe Alone isn’t Lonely. Hopefully.
No but’s and no ah’s.

Friday the 13th is not that good for me.
I know this is another drama, I’m not usually like this.
It’s just that, when you need someone to talk to or to share things with then it’s the time when people are not around, even worse, no one talk to or share with.

Gonna watch a cartoon movie to lessen up this.

Good night.

Festivals, Jejemons and Superficials

It was a non-productive day for me.. spent the day resting from Saturday’s Pahiyas Festival.

The festival was great, lots of people, tons of food and great colors..
Despite the heat, heavy traffic, sweaty and sticky people I managed to make it a worthwhile activity.

It started out on a heavy traffic along SLEX caused by a massive fire. It took us around 2hours just to pass by Alabang exit from C5. I thought it was the end, but NO .. Tollgate traffic along Laguna made a 45min ordeal. Another one along Sto. Thomas, Batangas. Then another along Quezon! gawd! the normal 3-4 hours ride to Lucban was about 6-7 hours.. such a crap!

When we were there, tons of people stumbled upon the streets and it is imperative for any vehicle to pass through, so we decided to walk. Watching a lot of people is always my favorite pass time, i got more excited when we where in city proper. pucha ang daming tao and the heat was so intense! pancit habhab everywhere, street foods were rampant, colorful kipings and houses, maraming din cute at gays. it was a nice view from the start.

Took photos the whole day and went home at around 8pm, as expected, sobrang traffic pa rin. arrived home at around 3am. See, 8pm-3am, that’s 7hrs!

Sunday, time to organize my things and photos.. I wanna go out and play, yoko kasi mag stay house since i always feel that i dont have the sense of privacy. but out of katamaran hindi na ko natuloy. even i’m with my folks at home… depression still bothers me. I wanna talk and make kwento to someone… but hey, there’s none. Remember, my mom and i is not that close to an extent that i share my personal stuffs? so instead, i went online and tried to look for someone to talk to. as always, pahirapan mag hanap.

Someone sent a message to my pseudo account in planet romeo, pseudo account – my hiv inclined personal account, hahaha.

he said, “pls text mo naman ako, huhuh”
i said, “bakit kita itetext, positive ka ba?”
he said, “yes”

so he gave me his number and i decided to text him, maybe he’s new and he doesnt know what to do and he knows i can help him. he’s so handsome, nice nose and eyes. pang artista i should say, 22 yo though. the way he compose his text, you’ll notice na bata pa sya kasi sort of a jejemon. tsk. we talked over the phone and exchanged some messages, then he asked for my photo, i was in doubt since mahirap mag trust, but for fairness sake i did give my facebook. all of a sudden hindi na sya nag text. so, alam ko na.. my god, nag kalat paren ang mga superficial. they’re everywhere! fine fine, to begin with he’s a jejemon so goodluck na lang sakanya.

after a while, there’s another guy. i saw his photo and alam kong mejo sikat sya sa g4m or pr. i always see his profile in every forums during the g4m days.. pusit din pala to! to cut it short, his senseless, superficial. though hindi ko naman binigay photos ko kasi alam ko na na ganun sya. so i saw his photo but he didnt see mine.. still quits.

no dates for the time being. ok na din less stress sa mga hindi magandang ugali.
maybe searching for good and trustworthy friends is enough muna.
nakaka dagdag sa depression kasi, so better stop it muna..

posted are some photos from the festival, of course ibang set yung nakapost sa personal sites ko. 😀