Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.

I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

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Dead Air

Seems a dead air season for me eh.
I just read a blog about this poz guy disclosing his sero-status to his best friend, it was a small and short entry and it really touched my emotional stacks. It really feels good when there’s always someone to watch your back.
I used to have 2 back then when my status wasn’t yet disclosed. Skipping the cheesy parts, everything changed when I got this condition. Now, pretty much I can say… I don’t have a best friend (anymore).
It really kills you when you don’t have someone to share the world right? No one to talk to, no one to share triumphs and falls. 
Today is Sunday. Local time. Sunday is known to be the slowest day of the week. My phone’s not ringing, got no new mails, no IM’s and no everything. No one’s trying to ask how am I doing. It doesn’t feel good. 
Yesterday I saw my ex again and it rubbed my mood swing more. 
Am no longer used to this. so far, my best friends are just reach away, laptop + internet + itunes + ipod. I have a pet cat, but it’s doing no good. She always sleeps and I can’t even find her. I’m also OC contacting Toxoplasmosis or Crypto diseases so I don’t play with her that much.
Depression has hit me. Better munch on my favorite chocolate malt balls and see the limelight of what’s happening with me right now.