State of Equilibrium

It was a mixture of stress and relaxation.

A cd4-dropping stress + cd4-increasing activity = equilibrium, too much science eh?

Stresses were:

a forced weekend over time work.
an almost postponed photo shoot.
it rained like hell.
i caught the colds virus and i am now sniffing like a dog.
some frustrations which i cannot reverse.
mouth sores (singaw) all over.. i cannot eat well!

Relaxation were:

a short shopping.
the photo shoot.
met new friends and made lots of laughter.
a game in timezone, i miss doing this!
met a poz blogger – JDC. Finally, we managed to set our times and meet. Nice meeting you!

Anyway. That’s about it.

See ya. Ta!


I’m ready… but Fate isn’t

pretty long entry for today, hope you wont feel lazy. πŸ™‚

I was diagnosed last March and got a quite low cd4 count of 282, it’s been months now and yet im not taking any arv’s. I don’t know but im not ready yet or maybe it just so happen that there’s not much happening in my body now so i dont feel the urge and need of taking it…

Mid April, my furuncolosis recurred for the nth time. not really severe but a couple of nodules.. like 2-4. at the same time, i had something.. (im shy to disclose, haha) so I went to RITM to have it checked and they gave me ample Azithromycins and TMP-SMXs (co-trimaxazole) to cover these ailments. I promised myself that after these wounds have healed, i’ll take my arv’s na. Days turned into weeks and my wounds were healed, so I targeted a schedule to go back to RITM for the arv prescription. The next day, the morning of my scheduled task, my throat is aching and im having a low-grade fever, i knew for myself that this is tonsillitis but i ignored it and went to RITM… As the doctor and i were talking and she almost handed over the prescription paper, i uttered my complain about my throat, she checked my mouth and saw these very large tonsils! she said…

uh, uh! hindi ka muna mag arv.. gamutin na muna natin yan!

as she pulls away the paper.. sigh! hawak ko na!!!!
then she gave me co-amoxiclav.

ok fine…

Ailments were gone, my birthday’s coming so i decided for myself that i’ll be taking arv’s after my special day.. of course, it’s like a rebirth. for the past 23 years of my life im not taking any lifetime medication, so i’ll do this on my 24th year.. i hope this makes sense.

Ok, im already 24, days have passed after my birthday and here we go, as scheduled, I went to RITM today to my arv prescription. I arrived at around 3pm, as expected.. no patients. almost zero visibility. Most of the OPD customer are in the morning. Ate Ana said I can wait in the lounge as there’s a miniature line waiting, as I went to the lounge i saw Shola, what a nice way to start my visit today. Not much people in the lounge, just one sleep guy and a new friend i’ve met during my first visit. so there’s no one really to share things out and i decided wowowee na lang. Ate Ana called me and it’s my turn… I was surprised coz Dra. Ditangco was there, it means that she will be the one assessing me.. we talked about getting my first arv’s, but again i uttered another complaint, my chest is aching and i’m producing grayish sputum. She assessed my condition and decided that i take another sputum test and chest xray. Not again!!! postponed nanaman ag arv’s ko.. ok, let’s get this done so next week i’ll have everything set into place.

I went into the xray room and the technician took my chest image, he was nice, he also greeted me happy birthday.. thanks kuya! i had a sneak peak on the developed film and i saw whitish marks on my chest. OMG what is this!!?? i know it could be either TB or pneumonia… No way!
well, i have to wait for the sputum test results… the only im bothered is, my company will be having it’s annual physical exam and they might see that my chest’s having problems… hmmm,

PLAN A – expedite everything. first day of the week next week, i’ll submit my specimens and check my xray, ask for medications so the week after next week, it may be cleared. and go with the APE as scheduled.

PLAN B – still expedite everything, just like plan A BUT delay my APE and have it 2 weeks after the scheduled one. hmmmm.. i think this is best! πŸ˜€

going back to Dra. Ditangco, in fairness, she’s nice.. my impression of her way before i first saw her was she’s masungit and may attitude.. but not, she’s indeed nice.

I left RITM with a mixture of Stress – coz of the xray i saw and Happiness – i was able to meet Dra. Ditangco for the first time and of course met my friends.
I went to a big mall in Ortigas to have a massage, stressed eh.. so i hovered over a spa center and took an hour massage.. i think im fulfilled. i guess… πŸ˜€ Took dinner and went home…

I really wanted to start arv’s , but fate wont allow me… i wonder why?


A big AHA!

The weekend was indeed fun or should i say fun indeed? hahaha

Saturday, Met with a friend from a foreign land. He’s good looking and way sexy!
We’ve been exchanging messages from an online gay site and yesterday was our meet up day. He was fun to be with, we laughed and stared at people.. im missing him already.

Afterwards, i met up another friend of mine, he was with his date.. so it’s like im the 3rd wheel and a gate crasher! we went out on a simple dinner and had coffee afterwards. Man! the caffeine really gave me a hard time sleeping later on!

Saturday was really fun! it got more exciting when a revelation stood up.
There’s a blogger guy who’s of the same wavelength threw a comment on my post, so of course out of politeness i replied.. replies went to exchanging numbers, then we’re on the phone talking.. the usual getting to know like where do you work, blah blah and blah… until such time that things were falling to somewhere and somewhat.

hmmmm this guys seems to be familiar!!! interrogation lead to a big revelation… HE’S MY OFFICEMATE!!!! wow.. what a small world!!! hi there bud! hehehe. well the good thing on here is, we’re on the same side of the story and we’re on it… πŸ™‚
he made me laugh when he said,

i dont prefer party girls!

haha that’s the attitude!

see yah friend!

Sunday, went out with a friend and saw some animated movie, Shrek 3. It was really fun. Stress Buster!

Im hoping that next weekend will be more than this.. cross-fingers! πŸ™‚


Russian Roulette

Russian Roulette – Rihanna

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I, ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late to pick up the value of my life

I was alone in my post, working the whole day.. i decided to isolate myself
for the day so i can somehow escape from stress and tension.. I decided to play and listen on my ipod and stick to one song, Rihanna’s Russian Roulette.

It’s a pretty heavy song, i mean.. message of the song will strike it’s listeners.
Now, i add this to my favorites.

Russian roulette is a game wherein you put a single bullet on a revolver, point it on your head and try to fire it.. lucky if no bullet comes out. you’re dead if it does. scary game huh…

As the song runs, my burden lightens as my tears starts to drop..
yeah, i look stupid.. crying while working in front of a pc..
it took around 3 hours for me to settle down..

now, burden’s a bit lighter than before.. thanks to Rihanna. πŸ˜€


My Weakness

Another mood swing goes by, I don’t know what could have caused this.
Depression is slowly running through my head, im fighting over it.. but it’s power is so overwhelming.

I know, i’m full of dramas.. ikaw ba naman, having no emotional outlet/s.
i dont open up to my friends, i even dont have a best bud or a best friend or what ever you call it, i dont open up to my family, im not that close to my mom and other relatives, no daddy figure, i keep my problems to myself, i dont have any siblings to play with if im depressed or even cheer me up (only child). all i have are my random friends, some close and some don’t. there are times that conflicts on our time arise when you need them, so more likely i have to handle everything on my own, i have no partner to share things with. once i had one but he’s totally the super silent type one. so it’s useless.

i may look pathetic, but i try not to and will show that im not. maybe this is the reason behind my strong personality. strong for me means, able to do it on my own, kills depression on my own, cheers myself on my own, having myself as my best bud. independent i should say.. this made me suplado, mataray, snob and everything. just like other’s first impression on me.

i was unconsciously trained my by mom to be independent, im not the usual yaya-driven kid when i was young, i was always home alone then, do thing on my own. it’s between me and myself then, it lasted all through my childhood days. until i carried those traits now.. im independent in such way that i tend to hide everything from the others, especially my problems and hardships, and that’s one of my weaknesses. people like my friends and even my mom have no idea on what’s happening.

kaya nga if i cry, sunod sunod na sila since all burdens from the past that i kept long came out.. and same thing if im angry. i know this is unhealthy.

i cry out loud, i go angry like a machine gun, i laugh like there’s no tomorrow.

maybe having a blog, hobby and a pet is a good thing.
thanks to my ipod too, it keeps me distracted.

im still trying to loosen up.
yes, im almost 24 and still got this kind of attitude? if only i can turn back time.


Slow Sunday

Yesterday, i told myself that Sunday will be my movie and stress-buster day.

It didn’t happen.

I was home the whole day long and got nothing to do but to stare and work my eyes
in front of my laptop.

My boring day started after lunch, It was a nice start since the smell of cooked crabs
rose me from bed and seducing me to tear up their shells.

I went online to check the sites i normally go to. There’s Facebook, a gay social network site,
a photo sharing website, my blog and other stuffs…

I planned myself to hit the road by 4pm so i can catch the golden hour of sunset.
but it’s too early so i decided to chat around mIRC, the old school chat hub.
met some guys who wanna go and make out, i was tempted but i opted not to go.. well, i have
my plan for the day so i wouldn’t go to begin with.

I wasn’t able to monitor my time and it’s already 530pm, darn! tinamad na tuloy ako! so
I continued on my chore and waited for dinner to be served, i checked my blog every now and then, taking chance that someone might respond to any that i have posted.. luckily there was one! it’s Lucky13, an email of him blasted on my outlook revealing his number. Alas!
Someone sensible to talk to!

Dinner was served, Lucky13 and I were still exchanging sms..
I promised myself that today should be a photo-ops day, i went outside the village and took some shots.

it’s 1132pm on my laptop… again, Lucky13 and i are still exchanging sms.
a new found buddy…

It isn’t a bad day after all…

Overloaded Planner


rrent iPod song:

Naturally – Selena Gomez

A busy and uncertain week it was…Paper works here, Errands over there and blood tests everywhere!

So many things to do, my planner was overloaded for the week.
From office stuffs to personal issues, i was a bit stressed out!- this can’t be! i have my little cd4’s to take care with!

Came Friday, everything came as what was planned.
now it’s a weekend, there’s a time for me to indulge to happiness!

  • Worked my biceps out… It’s not bad to be hot especially nowadays. πŸ™‚

  • Went to Megamall for a haircut and have my hair colored, i found my new hair cutting hub here a couple of months ago. The thing with this salon… staffs are hot! not the stylist but their assistants, i dont know if they require nicely toned biceps, unique height and that husky look for employement. damn, they shouldn’t be here! well, still it’s a nice eye popping item for me though. πŸ˜€

  • Strolled around for any potential buys, my handy planner was with me and thought of buying something for my tech babies, a good dog tag accessory and a new shirt.

My feet was aching tired, movie trip is postponed and will be moved for tomorrow.

Maybe it’s time to revive my photography experiences and for this, a sunset photo shoot would suffice. . Moving forward after this post, i want to use my own photos in my humble blog.

Hey, did i mention that i’m doing this alone? πŸ™‚