Half-Hearted Rebound

I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it’s kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an “avid” follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status – I assume he’s non-poz. 

I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I’m sort of uncomfortable of the situation – Here are the reasons:

1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating – that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.

1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner. 

Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious  on every action to take. Even though there’s the value of “safety”, still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.

1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.

We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don’t why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.

I’m not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys – well because I don’t get along well with these class of people. I’d rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)

Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He’s really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there’s no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.


I’m just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being – anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow – especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.

If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.

Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv

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Four Hundred Six

Just like what my previous post was described – deteriorating, so as my new CD4 count. Last week I went to RITM to have my CD4 count and refill of meds. It was quite a busy day for them as the clinic was bombarded by old timers and new patients. They have a new system for those who are due for their CD4 test – to have it scheduled prior to you arrival at the clinic. I have heard this from a friend of mine and immediately sent Ate Beth an  SMS to have my appointment o more than a week before my preferred date.
Come that day, I called in sick to my boss and went straight to Alabang. My home is quite near RITM so there was no need to struggle for an early morning call time – they have a cutoff time for the test which is 10am. I arrived like 9am and it was crowded. They have asked if I had my appointment BUT they cannot seem to find my name on that piece of ‘office desk calendar’ appointment sheet. Just to find out that they mistakenly wrote my code as R11-XXX which should have been R10-XXX, ayaw pa nila ko payagan to take the test kasi wala naman daw sa list yung ‘code’ ko. I insisted that I have called a week before this day and they admit they commit an error. So the mere difference of R10 versus R11 would have put my leave into waste.
This was also the day when I saw an old friend of mine. But I did not pay attention too much to him as he was aslo busy with his anniverasry exams.
My tests were done and I’m now waiting for the prescription of my ARV’s. When this guy came in almost 10am, just before the cutoff time for CD4 testing, he didn’t know about the appointment and schedule setting prior to the test but after  a while they allowed him to take the CD4 test. I was just a mere observer that time and only one thing came into my mind: I have scheduled myself a week before this day to have my CD4 test and almost on the brink of not taking it and wasting my leave to nothing when this guy came on an instant and he was allowed to take it? That was just too unfair. This guy was like a BFF to them. Ok fine, I now know where should I place myself.

Nonetheless, I was still grateful that I had the test and they gave my 3-month supply of ARVs – STILL. Contrart to what others have said a week before that they now only give 1 month supply.
That day was really a frustration, my first time to experience after 2 years of going to them. Everytime I go to RITM, I always wanted to stay even after my appointment as I wanted to mingle with other patients and staffs, now It’s like the opposite. I wanna get myself out the minute I finish my deal. I just hope this won’t take too long to change.
Anyway, my CD4 streamline is now:

1st: 282
2nd: 610
3rd: 608
4th: 406

1st viral load: 110,000+
2nd viral load: 86
The results were just texted to me, so I don’t have any validity whether this tremendous drop is real or not. I’m just worrying why in the world this happened? Am I too stressed and depressed or my ARV’s are no longer working? With the viral load still *NOT* undetectable after taking the potent Efavirenz for almost 2 years… I’m just worrying to much.

Anxiety

The past weeks or should I say months, I’m really stressed and emotionally tired. I admit, I live in anxiety.. Always worried, nervous and always think of what will happen next. This I need to change. Which I believe is a tough thing to do. Stressors are everywhere. From work to peers, and even what my future holds. It’s not really uplifting with this kind of living. I need to, somehow, reverse what is happening. According to my Human Behavior professor, try to revert all negative vibes into motivation. There’s always a time where we will feel down, do the wrong things and be not satisfied with what we do.. These in turn are oppurtunities for improvement. Without these, there’s no improvement. It’s the essense of personality.

I just don’t know where to start. Living in anxiety is not really healthy. I know that..
Maybe, starting from now and onwards.. Choose my friends, choose who to talk to, choose who to share feelings and choose someone who can open the door for everything.

I was inspired by Katy Perry’s new song – Firework. It’s a really nice song, adding to it the video that compliments with the lyrics. Though I only feel this when I listen to her song, what if I don’t.

The past weeks, I meet several guys from a weekend activity. Some where nice and some were not. I have this crush on one guy but I’m so hesistant to tell him or even keep him at his toes. Firstly, I’m an introvert so I don’t expect to let it go. 2nd, I’m already sero-converted. 99% would be a chance of rejection. Now it’s a regret. If only I could turn back time, I will change everything, If only I was a minute late on the sex meeting with the guy who gave me this. Everything will not be like this.
I’m just being realistic. No fairy tale stories.

I’m stressed. For the longest time I haven’t been engaged into sexual interactions. I just had one, on a weekday – lunch time. We initially met in PlanetRomeo, gave his face photos and exchanged numbers. After being persistent, he finally got a yes from me to meet him. I was shocked, he’s really good looking, so manly, gym buff and tall enough. Too bad, he’s bottom.. It suddenly came into my mind if I change my preference, so to avoid any transfusion and viral transmittal, of course doing it safely too. Bottoms are at the probabability of getting infected. Anyway, he nice and sweet. Health conscious and he seems to be a swimmer. Again, no expectations. No fairy tales. The last encounter was January, the time where I’m still free from being diagnosed. 10months after, I felt the situation of meeting up a stranger again.

These are my random thoughts. No one to talk to, no one to share with. Here you go.

Ta!