I Should Have

Have I mentioned I’m still in my quarter-life crisis? I’m already 30 and seems like I’m stuck. I have no idea where the road will lead me. I’m just taking the path and flowing with the current. Honestly, I’m envious-jealous or whatever you call it with my colleagues, friends and what not. Checking my Facebook fred shows how exuberant and successful thely are. It made me anxious, covet what they have and what they have reached. Not really healthy on my mental aspect. Adding my current depressive state, it makes me go crazy. I then decided to stop looking at it, not entirely shutting it down. It made me realized a bunch of things that I should have done when I was a bit younger. Early to mid 20’s was my peak period and I realized I should have taken the chance to do things I should have done.

One, I should have travelled when I was youger. Should have met and created acquaintances when everything was seasonable. Two, I should have worked out early on. Humans are naturally attracted to good aesthetics, we vaue physical attraction at the onset. Now, I’m getting difficulties and challenges to meet this goal. Three, I should have said yes to Mark. Pretty simple, I was that finicky bitch. I know I have wrote about him. Now he’s the one that got away. Four, I should have taken time educating myself and learned new technology. During my early work years, I was too complacent of what I have. Now, I realized how new education and keeping up with technology is important to sustain your professional streak. Five, I should have worn protection. Me testing as HIV positive is no longer lingering in my mind. The question now is, what if. What if I wore protection. Perhaps 90% of PLHIV will agree their lives have been changed after testing positive. What if not. What will be situation like? 
Bottom line here is regret. I know it is never too late for these things. Catching up maybe an easy thing to do but the only factor that’s changing here is time. I am behind by 10 years and trying my best to follow suit. But when you’re too tired to think of anything, it’s a different story. I now hold the meaning of “do what you want”. In a nice way of course. Live while you’re young. Go travel, meet as many people as you want, quit the job that you hate and choose your boss. And most importantly, use protection. We don’t want to hear a point of no return.

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Drifting Through The Wind

Quite honestly, if someone ask how am I doing?

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through winds, wanting to start again?

Not sure if am still on my quarter-life crisis. But literally lost. Like I don’t know what to do and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Not happy with work and planning to resign soon. Not getting any younger and it suck to find a new niche and restart my professional being. Workmates are really fucking shit and it is getting worse day after day. With travel, the excitement is declining, staying most of the time in my room and not going out. Getting anxious in meeting new people and setting like a hermit crab hiding from civilization. Nothing good is happening, aside from the favorable viral test results, which of course I am thankful for.

They kept saying to think positvely. Well, not everyone can easily do that. Especially to a person who lost the desire to feel anything. I guess this is really depression kicking in.
I heard that you can set your passion as a guide if you were lost of some shit, having to quit photography, I have now the urge the come back and somewhat pursue it on a low level. Trying to restart again. Baby step reboot as I call it. I’m even thinking of relocating.

Currently, I’m in the same exact spot last year when I felt the same thing. Found this (a hot sauce container just nailed it)

Maybe it’s nevet too late to begin again. Perhaps the question is how. There’s always the feeling of regret. But it won’t do anything now. Keep moving forward and keep finding what will make me (us, you) happy.

We Can’t Stop

It has been 4 (four) months since my last post. Pardon me for not really keeping up. I was busy for the last months or should I say I tend to slouch so much due to my ample time but decides to procrastinate more. Blogging was out of the way.

Let me regain the momentum and start if off with my anniversary blood test (RITM-ARG July 11, 2014). It was a routinary day, after work I then gush my way to Alabang. Good thing, a good friend of mine was also scheduled that day. No awkward and dull moments. An hour has passed, I arrived RITM and met my friend. The ARG entrance was packed with other patients, this was one unusual thing. It seems to be that they newly implemented a new security pact wherein no outsiders can enter the premises without permission. Makes sense to me, but everything went downhill when more and more “scheduled” patients flocked the entrance gate. The security’s new measure was a total disaster, it is already 8am and we were supposed to be at the clinic by this time having out blood extracted before cutoff time.

The crowd and system were at chaos, it seems the newly implemented security measure was half-baked and wasn’t even risk managed. This new measure made the existing poor process more uneventful. Stacking our patience up, (OH I STILL HATE THAT SECURITY GUARD – capslocked for emphasis) they let us in and queues were called. I’m up for queue 11, not bad. I also notice how patient volume has gone down as compared before.

Blood tests done, xray done, PPD done, I didn’t submit specimen for the rest, that’s my routine. Important things to know are CD4, Viral Load, CBC, cholesterol level.

The most exciting, excruciating, agonizing and torturous part of the day has come. The waiting time. Yes, from what I heard, unlike the other hubs, you can wait for your results. You just have to shell out a lot of patience, time and all the past time that you can spare. Go eat to the cafeteria, strut your way from the grassy lands to the nearby mall or just sit under a tree shade and watch people pass by. I prefer the latter, it really keeps me entertained.

Capture11

Had a chitchat and bunch of catch up with my good friend, (@kerouacPOZ). Also saw some familiar faces, 3 cute guys, one of which I was able to locate in Facebook. Endured the heat of the day. Oh, did mention how I STILL HATE THAT SECURITY GUARD?

I decided not to take the consultation as it will eat a big chunk of my time. By 1PM PST, I just wanted to go home. Take a shower and rest. Around 230PM PST, results were out and those waiting for the results, just to see the numbers, were called out. I got mine and I’m totally happy with it. BUT STILL, I HATE THAT SECURITY GUARD.

My new CD4 as of July 11, 2014 is 720 up by 207 units. A record breaking feat. The highest among the rest. It is a fluctuating trend. I’ll try to update on the next blog entry what I did so you out there can have an increase too.

***Wondering why “We Can’t Stop”? When 4 vials of blood were being extracted, Miley Cyrus did her thang. OH, I remember that medical staff who wears eyeglasses. ***

Soliloquizing

I’ve read a quote tweet:

Keep your dramas private and your happiness public

I somewhat dissent this. Yes, I want to make my happiness public, but keeping one’s drama private? I understand the fact that everybody doesn’t wanna see drama shit, when a person is in the state of drama, maybe we also need to understand he needs help. He’s waiting for someone to reach out, not expecting to clear up his mind but to calm, pacify and assure ever thing is gonna be ok.

Making dramas public is one way of telling the people that “hey I have a problem, can someone help?” but of course, there’s what we call limitation. Excessive drama can really be annoying and infiltrate other’s mind, making them stressed and intolerant. These cases are maybe a form of “attention-seeking” individuals. This is when our minds should work, classifying dramas as either attention-seekers or the legit ones. One thing’s for sure, this is the only way where they want to vent out.

Monologist
Monologist (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I vent out my dramas through blogging, I’m not really the person who approaches others and talk about what ever shit I’m feeling. After seeing my archives, 3 years of blogging, 3 years of venting out. I think I’m going dramatic.

As they say, happiness relies within. But the problem is when I cannot see the bright side. I have to admit, am now in the state of depression and it’s getting worse day after day. I am no longer feeling, if not good, there’s better than this. All exertion leads me to just being hurt. I’m almost like you, looking for happiness.

I don’t wanna keep this long. As a final note: whenever you see someone venting his drama, it’s the best time to be open minded. Test your maturity and always give the benefit of the doubt. Reach out. There are times when people fall.

The Complications of a Third Wheel

He’s into me, I’m into him, he has a boyfriend and we are good friends. That’s how complicated being a third wheel is.

I don’t know but it seems that recently, I am a magnet to couples. From hookups to plain get along, the feeling sucks big time. In general, I feel like squeezing myself in the situation. Trying to be one with what I cannot, and that is simply being out of place.

Who wants to feel that way? The most awkward situation. Not really focusing this to the third wheel hookups – threesome as you say it. As much as possible, I stay away from those. It’s not my thing. Not even orgy. Year to date, I had like 4 or 5 couple hook up invitations. One of which was a dead trap.

Others may not feel the pain or misery of being the third act, I don’t know why – and I don’t wanna really know, but when the situation sinks in, you already felt there is something wrong and you can’t get out of it, you just have to bear it. Wait until it runs out.

tumblr_l93ebiYAPW1qblz23o1_500_largeThere was one instance, a friend of mine asked me to tour him and his “friend” in the city, just to know in the end they are partners, really caught me up in the middle. I was in the point if no return. Halfway through the day, I felt miserable and anxious and then depressed. We were at a bar, dancing and having some drinks, my friend’s bf turns away… we play. Stolen kisses and hugs. They got drunk, things got worse. It ended with a slap of desperation in my face. It was bearble during the day, but I gave up and cried while going home. This friend still tries to communicate with me and am just creating my own ghost if I try entertaining him.

Am moving on. Couple of weeks have gone, the feeling of desperation and misery are still there. Slowly catching up with time.

I have 2 main sets of friends, 6 each so I’m the seventh, and these bastards are couples. So aggrevating the situation, they are 3 pairs of couples and I’m the seventh wheel – and that’s times 2! Oh for christ sake. 6 times the slap on my face.

Seriously, this is not good for me. It is making my current depression 10 fold greater. I’m vulnerable these days. My emotions are eating myself out and I can’t control it. Gone are the days of my smart ass moves, I am no longer resilient.

When I ask you how you felt being the third wheel, maybe it is the same as what I am feeling but make it super saiyan. Level 99.